Welcome! This blog is Retired. However, you may still enjoy some of the finer pages of vintage online ramblings out there! Inspired by the certainty of my headaches, "The Headache Diaries" may include my headache log, people, places, and things that I don't like, as well as people, places, and things that I do like. Blog officially retired 02.14.2021
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I decided to put an entry in for now, in case I can't get to one for December.
I have a lot to say and way more than I can write on this thing. However, I have to clean my bedroon up now because I can't walk in it. If I get done fast, I will write what I wanted to say.
Hey Lou, Looks Like the Apocalypse is Coming After All!!
HAW HAW Kerry lost! What a loser!
You know, after all that "vote or die" crap and "rock the vote" sheeyot and after all the bitching and moaning in my school, and NYC, I figured Kerry wouldn't lose by that much. But you know what makes this even funnier? That Bush won the electoral college and the popular vote by almost 3.5 MILLION VOTES (58,849,406 - 55,279,768 = 3,569,638). SO HA FREAKIN HA. 'Nuff said. I don't want to hear any boo hooing from any Democrat/Liberal about how this or that isn't right. It's over, get out! HAHAHA!
I'm not a Republican, I am independent so I vote for who I think is best. I, like many other people, didn't know who they really wanted. I didn't let anyone on about who I would vote for because a)I didn't want to get harassed and b)I still had some doubts about Bush. Last election didn't really matter all that much because not much was riding on it. There was no terrorism and there was no gay marriage and the rest of the new issues we have today. I voted for Gore in the last election because I figured that a Democrat would keep things the same and not get too radical with laws and stuff. I didn't research much behind the two candidates so I just picked the one most familar.
THIS election is quite different. I guess it is because I am older and more aware of the current events and that it affects me more that I live in Brooklyn with the whole terror thing. I am also very American with American values. I don't care about how Europe does things because in my opinion, they are not more advanced just because they approve drugs faster or whatnot. I am American and I want to remain that way. Just look at how many states agree with at least most of what Bush says. I agree with most of what he says too. Of course not everything, but he is more inline with what I want.
But that came only after doing some work... I was concerned with the allegations of the left that he is destroying the environment and takes away women's rights, among others. Were they true? Maybe Kerry would be a better president...
So I listened to the radio, read the propaganda (on both sides), and watched the debates. The debates were probably the most influential thing to sway me to vote for Bush. The second debate was probably the most important one. That debate answered all my questions about the environment (the fact that Bush gave $1m+ in funding to research hydrogen fuel is cool! When I heard about that research on the radio I was like "wow neat!" but when I found out it was helped by Bush that was a major plus). I also saw how Kerry didn't answer some questions (hey I wrote it all down so if you want to know what I'm talking about email me) or avoided the answer in a sea of words (like he usually does - blah blah blah... hm reminds me of Schwartzeneggar, will he ever shut up? Ugh) or fumbled on his answer about medicaid. Kerry just became more and more vague about issues, which was probably his undoing.
Well, I guess that is the way it goes. Sorry. (snicker)
The only thing I will regret is that I wont be able to go to US History class Thursday because I will be in nurse aide training for the hospital. I know everyone will be fuming and complaining and OOHHHHH! I would want to tape that! drat. I wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't want to risk my grade lol. I hope all the communists at my school shut up. HAHA AHHAHAHAAAAAA. Now I can go to school in peace. AMANDAAAAAAAA!!! (dont ask)
BTW: The new Donnas album is pretty good. I managed to get a copy of the DualDisk with the error on it. WHEW! I searched everywhere cuz Atlantic records recalled it and there was no date for re-release. So yay me! It comes with a super secret song that is very good. I will buy the error free album later because Atlantic emailed me a free download of the ruined song. So all is good. Why did I go thru all the trouble for an error? Well, that makes it collectors AND it was a special edition because it came with a velvet sleeve. So I got lucky. I say buy it!
Okay time for work, bye!
:: Jane Dee 12:21:00 PM [+] ::
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:: 10.26.2004 ::
Bored and Waiting
I am waiting for 1pm to roll around so i can make another appearance at the chairman's office to see if i can get my credits evaluated.
Ah his name was Piaget... I wanted to remember it in case the chair asks me what we learned about. You never know...
:: Jane Dee 10:29:00 AM [+] ::
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God Wants Me To Take The Bus
Not only is my neck and shoulders in pain, but I am annoyed, very annoyed. I wore my glasses today and my prof decided to use the overhead.. I couldn't see a damn thing. Now I have a headache from straining. I don't even know what I wrote. Oh well. I was also late to class. I wonder if that annoyed him cuz it annoyed me. I revised my paper but I forgot that he also wanted the original. Sigh. I think it's just going to be one of those days.
I am thinking heavily about how I can manage to finish school. Currently I have a job that doesnt give me many hours and I am not permanent, so I don't get any benefits. What crap. I waited all this time for this job and it seems I just made a fool of myself. I called another manager about daytime hours durong the days I don't have class. He is supposed to get back to me about that this week. We'll see. I have an inkling that I won't get anything. I am quite sad about this whole ordeal. I have to say that this was my worst year ever. I am not sure how much more of this I can take before I give up everything and move far away.
I am trying to brainstorm any ideas to make some money. If I work these hours only at my current job, I can go to school but I wont be able to get my car or anything else for that matter. I really need new contacts but I guess that will have to wait. Seems like everything always has to wait. Wait wait wait. That is all I do. All I do is hope that something will happen and I never get anything. I am beginning to understand why people are so miserable all the time. Who the hell can make anything of themselves? I know I can't because I have been cheated out of so many things in my life. I am beginning to get angry now, so i should stop talking about that. I am in the computer lab and I don't think this is the place to start crying.
Some ideas (some? pfft I mean ONE) that I have include me selling my mother's store merchandise online. She will be leaving that store and we should ge rid of all that merchandise. We have a lot of nice things to sell, but the location sucks. We are next door to some militant muslims or something who fight so much (and with guns) that the cops had been called three times already. This is news to me. I think it would be best to leave. Since the suff will be stored at home and we have a credit card machine, I should be able to sell something
I only mention this because hopes and dreams are the only thing I have nowadays...
If I can endure not having a car for another year, and can work AT LEAST the hours that I have now, I CAN finish school by next fall. I will just have to buy even less than I have been buying this year (which was hardly anything). I will also have to eat less. Or just eat cheaper (as if I wasnt already). I think I forsee a protien dilemma again. Sigh. I guess I can eat a lot of beans and ration out meat. hmm. I can't even make it up with milk because that is quite expensive. At least candy is cheap. I have made up a lot of calories with candy. Oh the torture. Why I am subjected to this I will never know. I hope someone pays dearly for all my suffering. If not I will be very upset.
It's times like these I just want to pack up and leave (with what money I don't know). It seems like there is so much more out there than where I am. There are so many people in NYC that even the small jobs are either really bad or hard to find. Not that I would want to make 6/hour again, but sometimes, you have to take what you can get. I hate that. I wish that I could go back in time and fix something that caused all these problems but we all know that can't happen. It's ok though. I tell myself all the time that there are plenty of smart people who hadn't had the opportunity to finish school either. I guess I can get a loan but I need to save that to when there is just no other alterantive, and like I said, the BS can be done, it will just be very very hard. I am just scared that once I start taking out loans I will get accustomed to having it so easy that I will take out more and more loans and sooner or later I will be in enormous debt. I want to save my loan for grad school or something. That would be more worth the debt to me. I know I can do this, I just have to keep my spirits up and keep chugging along.
Even though I want to curse and punch everyone I see.
:: Jane Dee 8:00:00 AM [+] ::
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:: 10.21.2004 ::
YAWN
Waiting for this person... its 1:45pm... maybe I should eat my soup and go upstairs. How boring.
:: Jane Dee 10:44:00 AM [+] ::
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Rewards For Being a Good Girl...
Hey I actually have good news! Whee!
The best news is about that class I wanted deleted... Not only was it deleted, but I was also refunded the money! So now, I have a good amount of money to apply to next semester's bill... (whoa the girl next o me is speaking french. It always surprises me to hear French).... This also means that I don't have to take up a second job - yet. This gives me time to ask other managers where I work if they can use me when I am free. So far, I have had much luck with the senior manager. I am not 100% if I can get anything, but he said to leave him a note in his mailbox and he will call me with what he has because he is undermanned.... this means that I can make more money doing this extra work rather than go to another place to get far less than what I am making. Sounds good to me!
My teeth are on my mind. I have to get my last wisdom toothe extracted. Good thing extractions don't cost all that much. I hate needles in my mouth, but I hate that tooth. It always makes my bagels and bread I eat get stuck in the upper gums and I have to pick it out. My teeth are big so I can use the space. Maybe I can keep it this time. I am also going to sign up for that NYU plan if they say they cover white fillings. Im telling you it will be worth the money if I have two or more fillings. I have an old amalgum, maybe they can remove it and make it a composite?? That would be cool.
Right now Im blogging at school because I am waiting for the faculty advisor to get in his/her office. I have to officially change my major to psychology by the end of the month. If not I have to wait until next October and hopefully by that time, I will be graduating! I have to find out the status of my psychology transfer credits today when I speak to that person. I want to know if they will accept my transfer elective credits. Once all that is squared away, I am on my way to graduation. Do you know what a fine day that will be when I am wearing my robe and say "I GOT MY F#$%^&# BACHELORS!" Oh you have no idea. I don't really either but I can take a guess. All I know is that I will be very, very happy.
On a more annoying note, I found out that I have to switch to Verizon first before I can switch to Cucumber. Bleh. I have to do that when I get home today. Hopefully, I won't have my service interrupted for too long. All this trouble because Met Tel decided to be assholes. Whatever!
So tomorrow I will go shopping for some stuff I need. I am going to buy Christmas gifts for a few people while I'm out. I am currently constructing my wish list. It's nothing extensive and nothing expensive. I prefer to recieve things I need or will use. I should have it done by the weekend so all of you can see it and pick what you want to get me, hee haw.
I am also going to apply for a couple of credit cards. I decided that I will apply for the platinum card my bank is offering but just not use it as much because of the rates. I will also apply for the Amex Gold card I was offered because they have neat bonuses. Since they don't have an upper limit, I wonder if I will need that bank card. Eh. I do want to apply for a regular card because I need a card with a low rate in case I cant pay the balance (like if I had to buy too many books for school lol). I always pay the balance but I don't want to assume too much since I am working and going to school at the same time. This will be a true test of my financial abilities. It will probably be harder than when I had to keep track to pay off the insurance of my car (first year was about $3000 argh!) But in any case, it will show the bank how savvy I am and they may be more likely to give me the loan for my car. Of course Im only going to take the loan if I have enough for school and can spare funds for a loan.
Blah blah... I have TWO WHOLE hours to "kill" before that person I need to see waltzes in... and we all know they never come in when they are supposed to... sigh. I hope I can get it all done today because I am not dressed for work or have my ID. I have to go home first. Sigh...
ugh too much time wasted here... maybe i should call verizon from a pay phone? hm. they may not like that though. My stomach hurts now... Im all bloated from you-know-what. What a horrible existence. Lol
I guess i will publish this and post again if something "crazy" happens.
:: Jane Dee 8:30:00 AM [+] ::
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:: 10.19.2004 ::
New Agendas Continually Screw Things Up
Well, this is stupid.
I've been at my new job for a week or so now and I was all happy about having money to pay for school and a car and stuff... well, turns out, I am not as well off as I intended. I am trying to get permanent status so I can get health care and all that suff, including tuition reimbursement. I asked my manager about being permanent and he didnt seem all that excited about letting me do what I can to get some position. There was the opportunity to get permanent status by becoming one of the most popular positions they have, but because of school I cannot do the training. I thought I would be able to during the winter break but it turn out I cant do that until January. So I told him to remember me when thinking about who he will make permanent, but in the meantime, I wondered if I could come in earlier so I can at least have more hours. I was not given that request and now, at my current rate and hours, I will have to save super hard to even go to school, forget about that car. My only other option for now is to get a second job and hope that my manager gets me a position soon.
Right now, Im a bit anxious. Mostly because of the whole work situation but also because I am making a new decision. because I have no idea how I can really afford school, I wondered if it would be wise to change my plans to graduate as fast as I can. I don't really want to get into what the first plan was, but the second plan can get me my B.S. by next fall. I think I am going to take that route and forget all my other plans. All of those can wait because i can always come back to school as a non-degree student or whatnot. Right now I should take advantage of the "economic opportunity" (however crappy it may seem) and get that bachelors out of the way.
Also making me equally nervous is my health. I think I need some fillings but since I don't have that fabulous insurance from work, I have to pay for it myself. The problem is that I want white fillings. Sigh. I am currently checking out the NYU student dental plan. It's $185 a year and at that price, you supposedly get white fillings as well as sealants and cleanings and x-rays. Well, as far as I know I need 1 filling (because it was supposed to be filled a while ago) and I am assuming I need 2 more. I have had two white fillings before and was given the "discount price" of $140 or so. I think this may actually be a good deal. I will check it out.
I also haven't cahnged phone companies. How annoying is that?? I can't even go online and vent to all my friends about how stupid things are. OK, this weekend is it. I will call them tomorrow morning and get it done by this weekend. That way, when I go shopping this weekend, I can do it in peace. Well, sorta... I will probably be complaining about how I shouldn't be spending money now, blah blah.... HOWEVER, I seriously need a good winter coat (my mother's old faux fur coat took a severe beating this past winter... i am not sure I can mend it) and new Timberlands for work (they have to be black and I have chocolate colored ones) and new sneakers for next year (they should be cheaper now) and whatever else I think i need. I have to buy them now while im softened to spend. Otherwise, I will harden and not spend a cent. Then Im not sure what will happen.
I do have some good news. After finding out that all the classes I had registered for were utterly useless, I think I was able to get that literature class I had on saturday deleted. When I leave here today, I will check in that administration building to make sure. I will also ask if i can get a refund. LOL! If i get a refund i will be most happy b/c I can apply it to next semester and wont have to work my ass off completely with this second job I intend to get. We'll see. Other good news is that I managed to score a 100 on my US Society midterm... DONT ASK HOW, CUZ I DONT KNOW. But Yay mE! Now I can rest a little easier because there are no more tests this semester until the final, only essays... SHAZAAM!!!
I guess for now, i am wasting time on the computer at school because I have so many messages in my mailbox it is taking forever to load and delete them all....
For now, all I am thinking about is how to get thru school. School school school. That is always on my mind. I guess that may be because it has not been easy to get the funds needed to complete it like a normal person. I guess I could hold grudges against certain people for that, but what purpose would that serve? I hate having baggage. But I also hate having to struggle so much. I ssume it will be over one day, and I am not talking about when i die. I mean that I am forever hopeful that things WILL turn in my favour and I will get what I deserve. Maybe by some stroke of luck, I can figure out a way to get that loan and pay it off so I can get a car. Right now, though, things are not pointing in that direction. I assume I could eat less to come up with the funds? Hmm. I think I am light enough as it is. I was wondering if I could sell my mothers store merchandise online and get a cut since she plans to close the store we have now. I think that would be a good idea. The location is terrible and it may be profitable to just sell it right out of the house. No one uses the living room anyway. And she has some good stuff to sell for the holidays. I think It would work better. But that is only if I can get a cut of the profit :b
Geez this mail deleting endeavour is taking forever. I planned to go to that Kosher shop to ask for work, but Im not sure I can make it now. Sheesh....
Well, lets see what else I can lament about....
Oh right, since Im here I might as well explain some of my school situation for you: I have a lot of credits and I am a transfer. I am not too may credits away from getting that BS degree. In my school, they require transfers to take a certain amount of courses from the collge in order to graduate. Ok. Well, the only thing I can apply for is the residency clause or whatnot which says that I can graduate if I take the last 32 credits at City. OK. To finish this degree, I don't need too many credits (about 20) and if they count the credits I have taken here before (total 18) I will have more than the 32 required to graduate. Now the only problem is that I have to make sure they will use those previous credits towards that requirement. If they don't I will be here for a looong time. SHEESH! Unfortuately, the advisors arent around on Tuesdays, so i will have to make my way to school tomorrow to talk about all this. I want to make sure i make NO MISTAKES and get this degree ASAP. If I have to work hard to pay so i can get it by next fall i will. I won't sell my eggs but I will think of something.
1 pm and I still havne't finished deleting... argh!
I wonder what else I need to buy... I should also make my Christmas list. I don't want gifts I can't use people! PLEASE stick to the list! I will paste a link later.
WHOO HOO! The computer is moving faster now!... DRAT! It was a fluke :(
hmm hmm hmmm hmmmmmmm..... waiting for it to work.... ok, now I have to try again...
Anyway, I havent forgot about volunteering... I saw an old classmate of mine from the CNA class and she managed to score a full time job at the Menorah Home by KCC. It's overnight but it's something. I assume that it wasn't my lack of skill that didn't land me a job, but my apparent lack of hours that they needed. They probably saw I was not able to work during the day but couldn't do a full overnight shift or something. Sigh. Well, hopefully, the extra experience will only help and perhaps give me more leeway. Maybe. Maybe I CAN get some extra work at the hospital or something similar. I should inquire somewhere besides CIH.
Blah blah blah, on and on.... 1:22pm is not cool.... still deleting.... hey it seems to be working now... 1:33pm....
WHAT THE F$%&*?!?!?! It says my folder is corrupt? OH GOD ALL THIS FOR... NOTHING... GRRRRRR!!! OK I fixed it.... trying to edit my resume in the meantime.... very slow... 1:49pm now... OK! DONE! I'll see ya later (2:18pm sheesh!)
At school once again, and this time it is not because I am too lazy to go home just yet, but because my phone company MET TEL decided to impose a fee on its customers who have dial up. This company tried to charge me much money after I used up my supposed "free" minutes per month (totalling 4000). The fee is 1.5 cents PER MINUTE and my bill came out to $175. I have to follow up on that because they did not call me back as they said they would. So I have to use the school's internet to type long things such as my blog entries because in a matter of 10 days i practically used up all my minutes. My future phone company will be Cucumber Communications. Yeah yeah, I know it has a stupid name, but it doesnt have a stupid policy - yet.
But I don't want to switch until after Monday, even though they said switching usually takes 3 - 5 days, it could take 15. Therefore, I don't want my lines to be messed up until I have completed my PAPERWORK FOR THAT JOB!!! YES IT IS TRUE! I have finally been called back to fill out the papers on Monday (October 4) to start my job, which I will explain later (unless I already have??). In any case, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I can sign up for my platinum credit card ($100,000 credit line!) and FINALLY get a loan to buy that car I so desperatly want again. I can also be relieved about the school debts because I can work and have money to finally pay them all by myself without worry. AND without compromising on other things (like the car and saving up to move to AZ). BUT WE WILL SEE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOD WILLING.
The other thing I can say before I go make copies of the constitution (and think about Alexander Hamilton, my new boyfriend, kiss kiss) is that I have finally made my way to the Hospital and met with the volunteer services coordinater. I have signed up for their class for CNAs and have contacted the head of psychiatric department to ask what i may do for him. OOOOoooHhhh, exciting! Why have I decided to go forth? Well, it turns out that all the classes I am taking this semester are unessecary and that I have all the core credits i need for this degree Im persuing. This means NO ECONOMICS (YESSS!!!!) but that I had the option of dropping all my classes. I decided against that because I need residency credits (because I have so many transfer credits they require a certain amount be taken at this school) and that dropping all my classes would mean I would have to readmit, a process i had just completed and do not want to do again. It also means that I would have no registration appointment and would have to register last again, getting all the worst time slots and no good classes. I registered for the fall not knowing that i didnt need any of these classes because they were too busy to evaluate me. Well, I took a chance but I think this way was best. So I dropped my Geology class as well and that freed up three days a week. Those three days I can use to gain experience at the hospital, so it all works out anyway! Yay.
Now that I have dilly dallied (sp?) enough time away, I should get going and copy my documents to use up that stupid copy card. I want a new one!
TODAY WAS ANOTHER DAY WHERE I JUST WANT TO STAB SOMEONE IN THE EYE. I ALSO FEEL LIKE WRITING IN CAPS BECAUSE IT SUPPOSEDLY EMULATES ME SHOUTING AT YOU THE READER WITHOUT ME ACTUALLY SHOUTING.
OF COURSE DAYS LIKE THESE START OUT BAD - I WAKE UP LATE, CANT FIND MY KEYS (AND STILL HAVEN'T) AND OF COURSE I AM WEARING A SKIRT AND HEELS... PERFECT TO SET ME UP FOR SOMETHING HORRIBLE. I GET TO SCHOOL LATE, BUT WE WEREN'T BEING TAUGHT BY OUR REAL TEACHER. INSTEAD IT WAS THE POST GRAD BUMBLEFUCK WHO TEACHES AS IF WE ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I HAVE TO SIT ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK AND THAT BEING, I DON'T HEAR A DAMN THING. I ALSO LOVE HOW OUT TWO PROFESSORS EACH GIVE US THEIR OWN VERSION OF THE CLASS THUS LEAVING US (THE STUDENTS) WITH A WISHY WASHY SYLLABUS (TO WHICH WE NEVER RECIEVED).
IM ON THE COMPUTER IN THE MAC LAB (OF ALL MACHINES) BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE EXCEL. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY THE PC'S DONT HAVE EXCEL. AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE PRINT PREVIEW, THE PROGRAM MAKES SOME ERROR AND SHUTS DOWN, THUS TRASHING MY WORK. SO I WIND UP DOING THE SAME CHART 500 TIMES, WHICH MAKES ME LATE LEAVING FOR MY MEETING WITH SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS AHEM. I FIGURE SINCE I HAD ALWAYS GIVEN HIM THE CURTESY OF WAITING FOR HIS ASS BECAUSE HE IS ALWAYS LATE, HE WOULDN'T MIND WAITING FOR MINE...
I DECIDED TO GO TO THE 135TH STREET STOP SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO WALK AS MUCH. NATURALLY, I STEP IN CHARCOAL BRIQUETS CERTAINLY LEFT BY SOME VOODOO PRIESTESS HEXING SOMEONE THE NIGHT BEFORE IN THE PARK. SO NOW MY FOOT IS SOOTY AND CHARCOAL PIECES ARE IN MY SHOE... I RUN DOWN TO THE TRAIN ANYWAY AND I CATCH THE C TO 125TH STREET. AT 125TH, AS IM HURRYING TO TRANSFER TRAINS TO GO DOWNTOWN, MY MP3 PLAYER COMES LOOSE AND SKIDS ACROSS THE PLATFORM AND ON TO THE !@#$%^$#@! TRACKS UNDER THE !@#$% TRAIN.... HERE IS WHERE I HAVE TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
I RUN UPSTAIRS TO TELL THEM TO GET MY WALKMAN. SHE TELLS ME THAT IT WILL TAKE HALF AN HOUR (WHY I DONT KNOW, BUT I ASSUME IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THEY WORK FOR THE CITY). HALF AN HOUR PASSES AND I GO UPSTAIRS AND SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT KNOW. OKAY, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT BECAUSE THEY NEVER KNOW ANYTHING. AN HOUR PASSES AND I SEE A CUSTODIAN WITH A BROOM AND SCOOPER... I ALMOST BEG HER TO GIVE ME HER BROOM BUT SHE REFUSES AND SOON AFTER I AM YELLING AT THE CLERK ABOUT WHERE THIS IDIOT WITH THE STICK IS. SHE THEN TELLS ME THAT DISPATCH JUST SENT THE MESSAGE... AND THAT THEY DONT KNOW (AGAIN) WHEN THEY WILL BE HERE. LOVELY. MIND YOU I AM STANDING AT 125TH STREET FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS WAITING FOR THE ASSHOLE WITH THE STICK. OF COURSE IF I WERE NOT DRESSED UP, I WOULD HAVE JUMPED DOWN AND GOT IT MYSELF. BUT NO. I HAVE TO BE WEARING WHITE. AND A SKIRT. NOT TO MENTION MY LUNCHES TO WHICH I HAD SO PAINSTAKINGLY MADE THIS MORNING IN MY RUSH.
AFTER CRYING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF THE STICKMAN COMES AND FETCHES MY PLAYER. NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON BECAUSE THE NEXT TRAIN WAS PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE LAST ONE FOR A WHILE SINCE SOMEONE AT 161 HAD A "MEDICAL ISSUE." HOW EMBARASSING. RASTAS ARE ASKING ME WHAT IS THE MATTER AND I TRY NOT TO SNAP AT THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST BEING CONCERNED. FINALLY IM ON THE DAMN TRAIN GOING DOWNTOWN...
MY FEET ARE KILLING ME AND YET I STILL HAVE HOPE THAT MY SUPPOSED FRIEND IS STILL WAITING FOR ME. HA HA. WHO AM I KIDDING. LIKE SOMEONE WOULD BE SO KIND. WELL, AFTER WALKING AROUND AND BREAKING MY FEET EVEN MORE, I DECIDE TO GO HOME BECAUSE NO ONE CARES ANYWAY AND I AM JUST ABOUT GOING TO KILL SOMEONE.
AT HOME IS NO RELAXING OASIS. THEY ARE FIXING THE STUPID STREET SO EVERYONE IS BLARING THEIR HORNS AND YELLING... DOGS ARE HOWLING AND I AM JUST ABOUT TO PASS OUT. I DONT EVEN EAT THE SOUP I MADE. COBY LIKED IT THOUGH.
NOW IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM, GOOD! I HOPE SOMEONE OUT THERE SUFFERS LIKE I DO.
:: Jane Dee 3:19:00 PM [+] ::
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:: 9.09.2004 ::
In other news
The semester is starting to "heat up" and I may have to start a reading schedule to fit all this bloody reading in. My US Society class has one of the most boring books I have ever read. It is proving to be difficult. I fell asleep on it twice. Well, at least I got to chapter 4. I have that chapter and 5 and 6, perhaps 7, to read. UGH! I also have to reas the Odessey again and it is not as exciting as The Iliad. The only good part is when the cyclops or whoever eats all of Odysseus' men with milk and wine and then throws them up... yum! HAHA! In any case, I have to write a paper about TELEMAKHOUS (his son)... I would much rather write about Penelope or Athena. Telemakhous is a wimp.
I am also one step closer (perhaps the last step) to getting that job I have been squaking about for months. I went in to take the drug test they require and the technician said "Good Luck" when I was finished. Haw haw! So now, if I do NOT get the job, I know I was being lied to this whole time and there was no job in the first place. We'll see.
One of my goldfish looks sick. There are no outward symptoms but he is swimming weird. I will monitor him I suppose.
And now, I have another metrocard dilemma... I accidently washed my metrocard whilst doing the laundry. I guess I will find out tomorrow if Tide takes a toll on the magnetic strip. I don't see why it should but...
Oh Boy! Now I get to finish my GEOLOGY LAB REPORT (sarcast-omometer reading is extremely high!!!!!)
:: Jane Dee 6:00:00 PM [+] ::
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Beetcho Bites
Throughout my life, I was never one to get many mosquito bites. One time in second grade or so, I woke up to find bites all over my face. The adults at my school thought I had chicken pox and I had to correct them. This year is a different story. Each time it becomes very humid, I awake before dawn to find myself in pain and scratching my skin. Sure enough, I was being attacked by a mosquito. My sister and I go to Mexico City and one time, the place we usually stay had noisy mosqutoes buzzing in our ears as we tried to sleep. When she woke up, she was bitten by some and we cursed them out calling them beetchos (like "Bitch") and thus beetcho bites. My mother speaks spanish and said that beetcho (not sure of spelling) means pest or bug and I guess that would be proper in any case. This morning I woke up to find myself scratching my leg in pain and realized it was a mosquito nearby. One time I was attacked I ignored it because I was half asleep. Only until it bit my face about three times did I wake up and conclude mosquito. I learned from that and this time woke up immediately to retaliate. I know how these bugs work and fortunately for me, they don't fly very far. Most of the time, they are right above me on the wall and I get them in one swift blow. Other times, they fly further so I wait and then they return to the feeding spot (my bed) and I can get them. One time, I was attacked twice. The first time I tried to retaliate, the bitch hid somewhere and I figured the sun was coming up so she would go to sleep. Nope. She bit me again and again and I wound up chasing her all over my room. Finally, after about 40 minutes of chasing, I left my door open and turned on the lights in my room and not in the hall in hopes to lure her into the darker area, where I could close the door after and she can leave me alone. I think it worked because I was not bitten again. Either that or she did go to sleep. Anyway, this morning I was annoyed at the memory of that battle and after 10 minutes of searching the walls and ceiling, I went back to my bed and saw her on the wall. I drew my weapon (a t-shirt) and vowed to smite her with a swift, hard blow, unlike that previous battle where my blows were too slow, letting her get away. I drew back my weapon and saw the blood on my shirt and wall. Victory! I had to wash the shirt and I went back to sleep.
The only odd thing about killing mosquitoes that had bitten you is that the bloodshed is your own... so whose victory is it anyway?
So hey Im in the computer lab and I am waiting for my lab to start. My first week of classes has been, for the most part, boring.
I had to drop my economics class because I couldn't see myself listening to the prof, who by the way, was about 99 years old, pompous and eager to hear himself speak on all issues but economics, for the next 15 weeks. That is the problem with real school; the semesters are longer than the 12-6 semesters at KCC. So I learned from history: if you don't feel right, don't go through. Im not about to stress myself out on a class I always wanted to avoid my whole life, a level 100 class, or during a time whne I am getting adjusted to my new life which will include work. I will take it in the summer when the semester s nice and short. Either that, or I forgo eco all together and actually take political science (ARGH!). We'll see.
So right now I am a part time student, which is okay by me. My bill is smaller now and that is just fine also. I go to school 6 days a week (again). I think it was best. I get used to getting up everyday and I get aquainted with the school faster. The commute is not as bothersome as it once was. Maybe its because at that time, I was so used to having a car. Now that I have no car, Im used to the trains and busses once again.
Which reminds me. I buy an unlimited metrocard (weekly) and I cut a hole in it (where that little hole is) so I could put it on my necklace where I hang my ID for school. Well, it works fine on the train, but that little hole is needed to grab the card thru the reader on the bus! It's not so bad since I don't frequent the bus, but It does make it a little less useful. I now have to either fix it somehow or wait until next week to ride the bus (which I ride to buy food and cat litter or whatever). So just heed this warning: DO NOT TAMPER WITH THAT HOLE IF YOU RIDE THE BUS. I guess I will have to experiment with old cards on where the strategic placement for holes is. That or I get one of those plastic card holder things, which I hate.
Okay, what else? Well, interestingly enough, there is a guy in my humanities class that was originally in my mechanics class when I first started City in 2001. He says he is graduating this semester. Lucky! I guess I have a way to go first. Im sure I can do it this time around.
On my classes: Not much to say! For the first time, I think my quasi-history class is the best class. At least the prof is a good speaker. My humanities class is next, but that may be because it's just reading and writing. I have so much commute time, I can get a lot done on the train for that class. The other class is earth science. Im disappointed I couldnt register for that cute geologist guy I had before. I couldn't find his section. I guess he isn't teaching this semester. Anyway, I have this other guy who I suppose is smart, but he is a real scatter brain... plus he isnt the most exciting guy in the world. I like geology and this is not going to be fun. I wish I was learning it with that other guy (hee hee).
This semester is going to be boring. Like right now I have two hours and nothing to read. I guess I can look over my EAS (earth sci) notes...
Im also waiting (and waiting) still for that stupid job. I don't hear my phone ringng. HELLO! Call me already!
In the meantime, I guess I can take advantage of my "free time" by calling up the contacts that I had found to help me volunteer at Coney Island Hospital. You know, at least at CIH, they train you for free to be a counselor of some sort. What an opportunity. I think I would definately request that along with other things. Also, Coler-Goldwater, a huge nursing home on Roosevelt Island that I wanted to work for, does the same thing. Im sure CIH would be more comprehensive, but it wouldnn't hurt to volunteer there as well. The more contact/references the better. Bellevue also does something like that, but they have a formal internship program I would rather try for. This internship is supposedly well known in the medcal community. The key, I suppose, is maximum exposure. I hope Im not mistaken.
As for the bloating, I don't know. My feet were so swollen ( I suppose... I couldn't really tell) that I had to loosen my shoelaces. How crazy is that? I've never had swollen feet. Well, at least its not a whole body swelling... last year, I would swell up so much, I could feel my skin tightening. I also couldn't take a deep breath because it hurt my innards. Talk about puffed up! I guess this is my three pounds I was wondering about (3lbs is less than a half of a gallon which is about 4 lbs). Well if it doesn't go away within a few days, I have officially gained weight. Interesting.
Okay, I guess I should head back to the Science building. They have a thing called CCAP and its supposed to help you out in class. Im sure they are no more organized than the prof, which is pretty sloppy.
Guess where I am? In school! Wheee! Well, I would rather not get carried away because I am in the mac lab and i don't like macs. I have a long break before my lab (earth science, hehe) so I decided to get some things out while I still remember them.
Good news first: The school's main computer lab prints files from a memory stick and I can use my old earth science text from a few semesters ago (I withdrew and left for nursing). They also have all the science textbooks on reserve in the sci library so I can do my brushing up without spending more than I have to.
Bad news second: My economics prof is a total weirdo. Not only that, he was giving us all a great speech about how hard we will have to work in his class... hmm. Now the problem I have with that is I will be getting adjusted to work and school. If he makes this 100 class too much work I will be mad. Well, in any case, I can't move to another section because they are all closed. Well, I guess I'm stuck. Maybe he is just being that way because he doesnt want to see poor work. He also has some strict lateness policy (not that I am late to things) where if you are late you cant come in. Well, I was hoping I would be able to relax about the times, but I guess I have to leave two hours early as usual. Well, 6:30 is still better than 5am. The other bad news is that not all the PCs in the main lab have usb ports... at least where I can get to it. I also wanted to see if the psychology lab had any policy on that, but they aren't open on fridays.... the hell kind of crap is that?
In any case, I don't feel nervous anymore about school. I think after differential equations and microbio and anatomy & physiology, economics should really hurt. That much at least. Lets just hope I get As and I move on to my major requirements without a hitch.
I have an hour before my lab and I can eat my sandwich but that doesn't take up as much time as I'd like it to. I really have to get reaquainted with this school. I should also find out about that golden key society. They are probably looking for some kind of officer.
One thing I don't like about City is that there are no comfy couches to nap on like there are at KCC. Perhaps I should join a club or inquire about the society so I can have a couch to rest on. City does have a microwave in the cafeteria. They also allow you to eat in a special room in the main library. One of the things I enjoyed most was hanging out in Shepard Hall. Its a beautiful building. I love the library because you can listen to any of their CDs or records and study something else (heh heh heh). I also like the sci library because after 3pm, only the real nerds are left. You also have a better chance of playing games on the sci computers (hee hee).
Right now, I don't know what to do. Next week, Im sure I will have some work to do that can take up this time. Hopefully by next week, I can start work. Or at least know! The suspense is killing me, not to mention my bank account.
Oh yeah, one other thing I don't like about City: they dont serve Coke! I can't stand pepsi. That was always a problem for me: what the hell do I drink? Well, I learned to bring my own bottle of water or juice, but sometimes, I forget then I get mad. The fountain water here tastes like metal, so that isnt the tastiest either... how terrible.
This is it people. I am ready. I know what to do. I know where to go. THE TIME HAS COME!
Tomorrow, I begin a new school career and will hopefully leave me in a new and better position. I am prepared to finish. That means I am prepared to sacrifice more than I have before and work harder than I have before (Sheesh, that's hard!) Maybe get all A's again (oh boy). Get an officer position in my honour society. And start that JOB already!
Okay. Much luck to me. The old Jane Dee will be back before you know it. I am strong like rock! (lol)
You know, ever since I entered the nursing school, I have become some kind of elusive being. I was once a blog-aholic, but it seems I have practically disappeared.
Well, I'm not all enthusiastic about everything, though maybe I should be.
The most important event about to take place is the first day back to real school. Yes, Im back at my old college and ready to finish my degree before I die. The difference this time is that I changed my major (yet again - yeah so, shut up) to something that was "interesting" to me rather than "practical" or "prestigious." I guess that makes a big difference because I am nervous as hell. I am actually nervous and scared. I keep thinking that I will forget to wake up and miss my classes. Or that I will just be too nervous to study anything. This is very strange coming from someone who waltzed on the high school campus, passing all the freshmen waiting outside and scared, as though she was a senior the first day. Well, I guess things have changed - again. I dont think I have that specail "I rock" spirit just yet. Maybe it's because I have too many other worries.
So maybe you're wondering what my new major is? Well, I'll tell you. It's psychology. Well, its not that funny really. I figured that even though it would be an interesting degree to study for, it would be helpful anyway. Why? Well, I don't plan on leaving nursing completely. If I decide that I want to go back to nursing, it would be for nurse practicioner as a psychiatric nurse. Having a background in psychology would help that anyway. Not only that, I will use all my previous math and science credits to get a Bachelor of Science rather than a Bachelor of Art. I also don't want to take language; thankfully I have two years from high school and that counts towards the BS. If it turns out some other plan works, I will have the required degree. One of those other plans may be me going forth with a masters if I feel Im able to do it. However, that is all very far into the future. I have to focus one semester at a time because I can't afford the future right now.
That brings me to the next stressor. I have been waiting for a specific job (yup, still waiting) for a few months now. I feel a bit foolish because I was told that I would get it soon. Well, its been a while and I could have been making some grub money at least at a menial job this summer. Why am I waiting? Well, I will tell you. Supposedly, when they take me permanently, I will have "benefits" (yes, I will work for a corporation. I am not ashamed, I like corporations) such as tuition reimbursement, full medical/dental, 401K, loans, and deep deep discounts on GOOD stuff like airline tickets not just Comp USA. I will also have the benefit of working for a company that is all over the US. That means that when I graduate (because this company will get me thru school), I can transfer to the city that I will attend school in next if they are there, which they will be. I wouldn't have to find another job or worry that I wont be making as much as I did. I will also not have to adjust to new work. I can be doing what I have already was doing. So now you know why this job will be good. And why I have been waiting so long for it to come around.
Which supposedly will within two weeks. Now, I'm not saying that manager is a liar, but hopefully, I can hear the phone ring this week (like he said) and hear when my start date is instead of the Daily News (who should really stop calling me by the way). I want to say "when" instead of "soon, soon."
To be honest, I am very stressed out. Im afraid I won't be able to "do it" anymore. I mean that I am afraid that I won't be able to study like I used to. I just worry that I will lose interest and just try to get a full time job. I know Im pretty determined, but sometimes, you just lose faith. Sometimes, you just want to pull the covers over your head and sleep for about 10 years. Good thing all my classes are level 100's I have to get out of the way. They wont be too hard and I know I will most likely be able to balance that with work.
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. This blog is still boring though.
Classes start friday and I guess I can write about what happens. It's funny because when I had left the first time, I started this blog to replace "Attack of the A Train" on my website (that I havent updated in a very very long time). I not going to take down this blog because Im going to ride the A train again. It gets tiresome to make a spectacle of mundane train rides. Besides, I can tell you here if it is that great. Hopefully, the school atmosphere will help me get back into student mode again. Of course, I will try to get all A's again.
Besides the crappy work situation, I have a pretty exciting couple of years ahead of me if I do it right. After all is said and done, I should have plenty of experience and references. Here is what I plan to do (and if I told you before, tough. Go read someone else's blog then):
First, I want to get this semester out of the way. Why? Because this semester will finish all my core requirements for the bachelors. After this semester I will only have to fulfill my major requirements, and there arent many of those! I will also have a chance to audit classes. Why would I want to audit classes? Well, I want to take organic chem and even though I took chem already, I think I need to "brush up" to get a good grade. So I plan to audit chem so I can take organic later. I also plan to audit physics so I can relearn all that I think I had forgot. I wont buy any of the textbooks because you dont get a grade or credit when you audit, so I don't care. I just want to brush up.
Second, I want to use my nurse aide certificate to gain access to my own "internships." What I mean by that is I will work as a CNA in an institution for free in exchange for watching surguries or helping with phlebotomy or other things that don't require liscences or something. I have been having a hard time finding out who can do what in a hospital and somehow that is scary. Well, in any case, maybe I can use my CNA to gain knowledge as well... "So tell me, can ANYONE just take my blood?" or "Can I read your practice law book?" The other thing I will request is that I wear my uniform. That is because I would just like to use it up.
Third, I'd like to (saying I get this job that offers these great discounts on flights or whatever) go to Arizona and volunteer my time there in an institution as well. I thought it would be useful to help build up a network of people in many areas. Especially where I may go to school. Maybe someone there teaches at the school or knows a prof I will be with and can give me a good recommendation. Any little bit helps. If I find it difficult to get to AZ (probabaly because I can't get the time off) I will try for closer places like Philadelphia or something. I may also apply for real internships, like the one at Bellevue, in the summer. or even during the semesters if I have the space. I'd also like to do some time at real organizations like the Red Cross or Salvation Army (I can play the cello in the street to raise money at Christmas, lol)
Fourth, I'd like to take the independent research classes in psychology. With these classes, you and a prof work together to design a project that would translate into 3 credits. It helps you get accustomed to research and it looks goood for grad school. I thought it would be great to take these classes because I plan to be in a hospital setting and can probably find plenty to research. I already have some ideas I'd like to try. I can try to get funded thru the school, but maybe I can hook up with a grant writer at school to show me how to find some. Maybe I can get money from the MS society or something like that, or, because they are richer, Coke. LOL, Im not sure how coke and psychology go together, but if I can come up with one, maybe they will do it! Well, in any case, these independent research classes look good and give me lots of field experience.
I'm almost out of breath here. My head is starting to hurt. Hopefully, I can think of something better to write about on this blog next time. I can guarentee that I will write about my first day back!
Okay, what was I going to say about wetting myself... oh yes, it's about realizing stuff.
As I sit here, ideas loom in my brain. If it were hotter, I'd definately be doing something fun (wow, I said fun... this is a positive sign) like cycling past the pier or finding a cool place to play handball. Maybe I will go to the beach afterall. Well, in any case, my brain is having a nice time coming back to life. Little by little it is feeding me things that inspire as well as get me thinking. It's kind of fun to actually feel that rush of excitement come over me when I realize something new. No, I don't literally wet my pants, but sometimes these realizations are just that powerful.
Let's take for example, my deep thought about what I want. When I "suddenly" realized that I should go to school and do what sounds the most enjoyable, the most applicable to something I can relate to, I was flabbergasted. Something as stupid and "obvious" as that seemed to be the revelation of a lifetime. The only problem I had was "well, what about my lifelong "dream" to teach college algebra?" Little did I know that you can be an adjunt and get paid good money to teach part time or whatever, all with a mere bachelors degree. I think at that moment I may have wet myself a little. There I was, saying one of my goals cannot be fulfilled now - and WHAMMO! - any bachelors I get can land me a math adjunct position. Chalk one up for Jane Dee!
There are a few more pants wetting moments I have experienced in the last few months, but I can't share them all lest I will jinx myself. heh heh.
On a more "Real World" note, the winds of change seem to be blowing in my favor. I am foing to have to make a "To DOOOOO" list. Besides 'put new bar of soap in shower,' I may have some real tasks at hand. One of them, which I have been putting off until I was more healed and normal, was to create a profile for my former professors so they can write my recommendations. I was thinking that I would explain myself from high school foward. That way, if they get a weird request to write for some weird place, they wont be so thrown off. I'm not sure If I'd include a picture of myself, but I thought it would be a good idea since I may not see them in the near future. I guess I should do that before I venture off to be a salesman-type for intern-ish work at the hospital. They will probably want references of some kind.
Waiting for this "great" job is hard. I have been living off my savings and the kindness of friends for about a year now. I know I've said this before, but I'm down to the last few for real. I really REALLY CAN'T go to school unless I find a decent paying job soon. That is why I pray and pray for this job to come through. I mean, if it so happens that I can't go this semester, I guess I can deal with it, but I just want to get started with my new plan... sigh. The only benefit to not going this semester is all the money I will make working. I guess that's a plus...
Next time: Oops! I wet myself again!
:: Jane Dee 10:42:00 PM [+] ::
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Real Men Bring Their Women Flowers and Coffee...
I felt like typing something today because I didn't go to the beach with my pal and I didn't end up riding my bike to Canarsie. What I did do was eat about 100% of the RDA of sodium in one bowl of soup. I love salt. It keeps my blood pressure up in the winter and keeps my resting membrane potential "up" in the summer. Sometimes, I do overdo it and I get bloated. Oh well. Better bloated than my legs misfiring through the night.
Im STILL waiting for that "great" job that is supposed to help me out with all that I need for school... pffft. Seems like a big time waster to me. So here is the deal. Classes start August 27 and registration is August 17 or so. I have about a month to get some hospital experience. My plan was to get some experience by offering my soul, um, er, I mean time to a local public hospital as a CNA in exchange for the opportunity to shadow doctors and nurses and have the opportunity to learn procedures like phlebotomy. The agreement would be that I get to keep my title as a CNA and I can use them as a reference to verify my CNA experience if I apply to work as a CNA somewhere else. I wonder if that will work... I have to figure out who to talk to though...
ohh I should clean my room a bit... be back later to talk about the pants wetting and all that.
Blogger gets weirder and weirder with all these features...
Anyway,the last entry was probably not the best thing to publish. Ahem. The hunger strike lasted about two hours and oddly enough, my mood has been changing (just like the blogger interface... geez this font I'm typing in is VERY annoying)
How about I lay out some non consequential news first? Okay well, I have one last wisdon tooth in my mouth that I never got out and now its annoying me. It's giving me TMJ Syndrome or something... my jaw is clicking and such. Looks like I have to endure the mouth needles. Eh. Okay next bit of stupid news is that the slow process of getting back to real school has been going... slowly. I pais the nice admissions people a visit and they almost tried to get away with losing my papers. HUMPH! Fortunately (for them haw haw) they found it all. Well, all was going "ok" until they forgot to gove me a copy of my latest transcript. Sigh. Well, because of that, I was late to the other office and now I have to wait until August to get a credit evaluation. Oh and I also have to go back to the admissions office to get that transcript. I was thinking of doing it tomorrow...
And that is where the improvement news comes in! I actually wanted to ride my bike. Hurrah! I was thinking I would ride my bike to the college tomorrow to get it because they are open. What do you think? I would take the Brooklyn Bridge and then the West Side Highway bike path. Ooh then I can stop by the library... I think I would have massive gluteal pains but hey maybe it would be cool.
My job status is still [sucks] but I remain hopeful. The only worry I have about not getting the job(s) soon is that I won't be able to register for the fall. Even if I get the job now, I can't pay the bill in full. Hopefully I can get it by the end of the month so I can at least make a downpayment through AMS. Then hopefully, as I gain independant status (hallelujah), I can apply for financial aid and actually GET IT for once (sheesh). That way, I can still pay through AMS, but have a smaller bill. Then I can take a loan from my bank or something and buy one of my cars (lol, just kidding, it would probably be this one... for now). Using AMS in any case will help me save money to move to Arizona when that opportunity comes.
Speaking of Arizona, I have been doing ALOT of thinking (obviously) and I have come to some new conclusions concerning my future. I have some super secret plans that only a select few know about but I will lightly explain some here. I was thinking about what I really, really want and so happened to re-read my Columbia Tragedy magazines. I have always wanted to be an astronaut and so I value what a real astronaut would have to say. I wasn't reading these mags for advice, I was just bored and remembered I had them. The one thing that struck me was this weird recurring theme that all these astronauts seemed to have. They all said that they had to "think big." Now I used to think big. I used to think big when I was a younger, more idealistic person. When I was younger, I could do anything I wanted. Or, that out of the things I wanted I could do them. Life was good. I was going to be an astronaut. Yes, Jane from the borders of alternating grid neighborhoods was going to be an astronaut. Then life happened and I am currently here. The events that got me "here" are not what squashed my thinking to more earthen heights, but rather the precipitating events to the major events. So alas, I have come back to where I left off:
Home is where the mind is, and it houses many a strange thing. Including fear...
Come on now, I'm not going to bore you to death with my life story. What is more interesting are those precipitating events. Just what the hell happens to us when we make these radical (and stupid) decisions? I will admit right now that I am "here" because of a tremendous error on my part. "Here" could have came ALOT sooner if I had known. However, let's not feel bad because you know the whole 20/20 hindsight thing, even thought my hindsight would still be 20/400, ha! Now, I'm not trying to put down any particular schools, but my previous school (and quite possibly my future ones) has been not the best at fostering my hopes and dreams. In fact, by the time I graduated, I had forgotten all my hopes and dreams because they weren't happening. All I could think of was just getting a job as a professor teaching math or something. No more astronaut, no more Air Force, no more cool. Nothing looked satisfying even though I "imagined" I loved math and all that and wanted it in my life etc etc. UGH! The more I took math, the more frustrated and mad, and annoyed and FAT I became. (Come on now, I wasn't fat, I just didn't care about being active anymore). Yet I continued to believe that this is what I wanted. Yeah yeah. The saddest part is that in my head I knew that I hated almost every minute of it.
So where does fear come in? At the moment you give up what you want for a supposed "preferred" way or some other weird excuse for being scared to do what you wanted to in the first place because you can't take the constant ridicule and feelings of worthlessness anymore. It's bad enough you have outrageous dreams to begin with. Now you have to defend them all by yourself. Well, at least, that was my case. The fear starts to come when all the people that surround you have no vision. Your classmates don't care and suddenly you are nothing but another soul that will have a "B.S." degree with a BS job. Slowly but surely, your once behemoth dream will be altered and snipped until it is nothing but a manageble piece of crap. And this brings your fear down but you know just how worthless you are. Even if I was able to win the nobel prize in some Math, I would still feel like a loser. Sure I left "real school" to go back to "fake school" so I can "give up" and "...just live my life already" as if one can "live" on worthless dreams. Well, I learned you can't. Well, I know I can't.
Where I thought I was "escaping" to turned out to be a fueling ground for anger and frustration. Not only did I give up all that I wanted, I had "renewed" hope in being a small thing. I had learned to adopt the diminutive mindset that is known at schools like the one I reattended (ahem).
After leaving the nursing program, I went back to a few of my professors to ask if they would be willing to write a recommendation for me if I needed it for something. They agreed but asked me all about my decisions. I know he didn't mean it in a bad way, but even my poor professor had fallen victim to this horrible disease. I call it the "Kingsborough Quantifying Mentality Disorder" or the Kingsborough (KCC) Syndrome. And in this mindset, we have everyone happy to make their own tiny little worlds amongst each other but never venturing out of the world or to the larger world. When I had told him I let and was deciding if I wanted to come back, he said "...well, maybe diagnosing is your thing. Maybe you should check out the PA (physician assistant) program." AH-HEM! IF i wanted to DIAGNOSE I wouldn't waste my precious time going to PA school, I'd go to MEDICAL school HELLOOOO! Also on the same topic is a video of the students being asked why they are in KCC. One girl replies "I'm in the PA program" Why? "Because I want to be the one in charge!" Yes, KCC Syndrome is prevalent here.
Sadly, I fell victim to KCCS as well. I'm not saying that I hate nursing or that I would never do it or continue, but I think the best thing to do right now is to take a path that gives me the MOST options incase a bout of KCCS occurs again. That means that I had to do some serious reflecting or whatever they call it nowadays. So here it is: first of all, I am going to get all these credits I have into one place, namely, a BS (no jokes). This time, I am going to major in something I may actually ENJOY. I have decided to pick psychology. At my new school, a psychology degree will utilize ALL my seemingly worthless math and science credits into a degree. I then get to take classes like drug management and honors classes that allow you to do independent research. Well that's all I have to say about that.
After that, I was thinking I would go to Queensborough Community College to try nursing over there (they have a great campus). However after reading my magazines I said "No Jane, think BIG". I have since then changed that plan. If I decide to persue nursing after my BS, I will go directly into a BSN program in Arizona. Why should I waste time? If that goes well, I will continue as I had planned, getting my MSN in psychiatric nursing and working for the USAF.
That is the only post BS plan I will share with you. Many apologies. In the meantime, I plan to hold tight for that job... This time, I'm making my own way. I have to be creative. Then I know I will become what I want.
Next time: I think I wet myself... Anyone have a napkin?
Alas, I think I have come to the end of my hopes to achieve anything beyond nothing for myself.
The whole mission in life was to go to school. Okay, maybe I didn't take the "normal" path and go to a 4 year school and get a bachelors or whatever in the appropeiate time frame. Maybe I made a few mistakes here and there and whatever. However, now that I have found something I can believe in, found someplace I can go to get it done right this time and discovered a new path to take me to where I want to go, I am once again subjected to a twist of fate that spits me out into some oblivion, where everything is unmanageable and twisted in such a way that the only way through it is by using excessive energy that I do not have anymore.
I just can't do it anymore OK??
Nothing has gone my way ever since I left school to do nursing. I don't even know how I made it this far. I don't even know where I am anymore. I don't even think I care. All I know is that the last thing I had that could help me get out of this mess is not available to me. I don't know when it will be available and no one else knows either. Well that is just great. By the time someone knows, I will be too old to give a damn about anything. Now my only option for finacial stability is working for free to try to gain some kind of credible experience or go back to menial wage hell where you work and pay for the rest of your life. That basically leaves no room for school. Yeah, I'm living the American dream.
Im not even going to sit here and complain how people who are so useless and stupid get things they don't deserve. Or how easy some stupid and useless people have it. No, I won't because I have enough stress in my life as it is and thinking about that will only make matters worse.
Do you hear me? I give up! You win. I don't give a shit anymore. I've done all I could and enough is enough. Just leave me alone until you call me and send me to hell anyway. Until then I'm going on a hunger strike. Yeah I got free will and I'm going to use it.
:: Jane Dee 3:07:00 PM [+] ::
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:: 6.28.2004 ::
I think my brain is starting to come back together...
Before I go on and on about fear and everything else, let me just say this: IF I MAKE A MISTAKE SO BE IT!
Uh, I really don't know what I am saying so forgive me.
Anyhoo, I am trying to get back into the swing of things. The only problem I am having is snagging a certain job that will help me clear up a lot of crap that needs clearing. HELLOOOOOOO! AM I GETTING HIRED OR WHAT? SHEESH!
Yeah, besides that, I am perpetually frustrated that I had wasted lots of time and money trying to get a CNA position only to get no responses yet. I have a feeling that my resume made me sound overqualified. How annoying! I should have misspelled stuff or something. I should have put I never went to school. Maybe that would help.
So the new plan on my road to sanity is thus: go back to CCNY to finish my bachelor's for cryin' out loud (my good friend from Lehigh has just completed his masters in EE. Talk about envy!) I think I have wasted too much of my life to have that hanging in the air. I have a few secret missions I would like to complete before I graduate and may help determine what I do after, saying all goes well. But I don't want to give that too much thought because I dont want to jinx anything I may have going for me. I need to keep this small amount of momentum going that I was able to muster up a few weeks ago. It's like keeping a little ball rolling very slowly with your foot... you'll watch it to make sure it doesn't stop but you wont give it that big kick, if you could that is. So basically, I'm waiting for the right moment to give it a nice kick or just get a new ball or something, preferably one that is bigger and fancier and can run over stuff I don't like...
In the meantime, I am trying to do some "distract work" like I used to do. One of the most important distractions was my webpage... well, I don't know if any of you noticed, but it hasn't been updated in quite a while. I do have a bunch of stuff that was waiting to be posted but it is mostly pictures. I havent come up with any good ideas for anything. I guess I haven't been into it. I thought the nursing classes would stimulate me beyond end but it didn't turn out that way. Well, another distraction was bike riding. I used to ride my bike and take pictures. I don't even carry my camera anymore. Yeah yeah, boo hoo. I guess after the holiday, I should get into something. It's pretty boring sitting around all day (esp when you have no TV) when I guess I could be out riding my bike, even if it's not as furious as I used to ride it.
Well, if I decide to change my plans I will let you know. I will also try to finish that post about fear and all that.
After a brief hiatus, things are not back to normal, but I have been able to function more like a human on the appropriate level of consciousness. My depression has subsided for the most part and I can feel my brain "waking up" and searching for knowledge and decisions. This doesn't mean I am back to bike riding again, but I have been wanting to go outside and have done so with encouragement or "excuses" (i.e., post office, laundry, the need to purchase a mango...). Many things have come out of this seemingly harsh ordeal.
I learned that I am in need of a larger space. My mind is actually a dynamic machine that, although confined to the cranium, has the ability to expand within itself. Sort of like the shadow of a hypercube in our three-dimensional world. I was unaware of this before. I had realized this only when I started saying "I used to be so smart. What happened to me?" At first, I answered "I must have became stupid." which is absurd given that I have not had any blows to the head or suffered any kind of brain damage or developed dementia (as in the case of Alzheimer's Disease... we will all miss Ronald Reagan). So what could it be? I think I have been suppressed for too long. Not only that, I realized that the only way I can live up to my full potential is to let myself be. However, this requires alot of space.
You are probably thinking "now I KNOW she is crazy!" but let me try to explain. When I was in high school, I felt smart for the most part. I felt larger than life only because I was allowed to do whatever I wanted. Everything was offered to me and I took everything. It wasn't an obstacle course, it was a jungle gym. I had high hopes in life. I was to be the greatest thing I was to be, whatever that was. I didn't have the pressure to look smart to anyone because I was smart. I graduated very happy. College was going to be easy.
That idea soon slipped away as I realized I was all alone. See, you have to understand something. I don't come from a "loving", "supportive" home. I come from a place where, well, you were on your own. I had learned to be self sufficient. And became more and more stressed. Bad things happened here and there but I wound up getting an associates in mathematics. That was to be my "stamp of smartness" for all the world to see and now I could be happy. Me and math had a love-hate relationship. I had developed that for physics, but that is another story. Now here is where the confinement begins.
"Jane, here is your list of requirements." I'd imagine in my head.
"Number one: you must look smart at all times." Why? well, you are a strange person Jane. You know people do not respect your intellect based on your looks. Lets face it. Without the smart stamps, everyone will think you are another dumb bimbo." Rule number one has been the norm for a long time. Not only does rule number one mean I had to be learned, it meant that I had to be learned in specific fields. Unless it was engineering, physics, math, or chemistry, it was not an option. Why? Well, I will refer back to the "invisible parents" I had mentioned some time ago. I was trying to impress the parents who didn't care either way. "Ah! If I have a degree in EE, then I can feel better and they will accept me." So there I was on a wild goose chase, going through all the majors I had either absolutely no interest in or could not see myself getting a PhD in. This plays into number two.
"Number two: Your only options lie in the physical sciences, but you are not allowed to major in astronomy." This was an obvious attempt to please the invisible parents.
"Number three: since your options are so limited, you are likely to be unhappy, but you are not allowed to show it." No one is going to care if you are sad because they have their own problems.
"Number four: College is no place for creative writing, art, music, or any other classes that may channel your creative side in a meaningful way. You will be wasting your time." Despite the fact that I am extremly artistic, I chose to suppress that side of me so I could 'be more focused' and not look like im padding my transcript.
Those were my original set of conditions that have been plaguing me since high school. The year before my clinical nursing classes, I had abolished numbers two thru four and modified number one to "you must FEEL smart at all times." and that has made a huge difference.
And that is precisely what drove me to drop the nursing... for now at least. I wasn't feeling smart. In fact, I was feeling confined. I felt like my mind was being entered by some external force and shutting down all my expansion routes.... there was no room for any of my previous knowledge except some math. I was being led down a dark corridor that would close in on me more and more with each step. Pretty dramatic, huh?
Indeed it was. I had never experienced a mental shut down like that in all my life. I did not know the mind was able to take over like that. It literally separated itself from my conscious control. Most of the things I did felt like they were done by a puppeteer of some sort. I was impossible to fight it. It had control and it was not relinquishing until I listened to its demands. And I'll tell you, eventually, you will succumb. You cannot stay awake when it says sleep. You cannot walk when it says sit. You cannot breathe when it says "NO!"
This experience alone helped me to understand this: I am but a device to this world for my mind. My mind will actively seek and find what it wants. It will give me the energy to acquire the info it needs and will exert its authority when I am making it learn something it does not need or want.
Great. Now I have the tremendous task of finding "what it wants." POO! Why can't it just tell me!
That is the hard part my friends. I have found the key to problems like this. It is not the fact that you can't figure it out. It is that you do not know how to listen to your own mind. I have developed this device to help me "tune in" to my mind:
Imagine yourself in a room that no one has access to, but you have the ability to control the world in that room. This room would be similar to the room on Star Trek's Voyager that can be programmed to be anytime and anyplace in full color and dimension. Basically, you are God of this room.
Now imagine if you will, all the things that make you happy. Right now, you imagine what comes to mind... chocolate cake, comic books, whatever it is you think makes you happy. I know these can be totally unrelated things but just try to remember the main things. Now, erase the images in the room. It's dark again and now we want to take the things that make you happy and put them in order. You do that like this: start with the smallest things and draw outwards. I will use an example of chocolate cake, grey cats, the color pink, sunshine, a motorcycle, and a cool, rushing stream. First, draw your cake. Now draw a grey cat now put them in a place that they can go together. I'm going to draw a kitchen. The cake is now on a table and the grey cat is standing on the floor... well, now hey, my chairs are pink! COOL! I turn around, whoa! suddenly my mind drew a whole fantasy house! Wow, a living room with cool painings... and a velvet couch! And it's pink! Hm, I think the shade needs to be opened... hey it SUNNY outside... and wow! check out that cool, rushing stream not to far off my expansive lawn. Hey and over there is my hog! AND ITS PINK!
I laid it out like this because some people may have a hard time with the spacial properties of active 3-D imagery. However, your mind will be able to do it faster and better if you do this more. No pens and papers -yet- because we want our minds to do all the work.
Okay what the hell am I making you do? Chocolate cake has nothing to do with how you can figure out what you should do with your life. Well, look at it this way: You can't decorate the cake if you dont have the cake. And you don't have the cake unless you've got the flour. See, all these bits and pieces that seem not to fit together (flour? eggs? OIL?!) have the possibility of making a whole (MMM! CAKE!) and becoming something spectacular (CHOCOLATE FROSTING!!!). I know I am probably starting to sound like a motivational speaker, but this has been the only thing that has helped me thus far. No, not chocolate cake (I've been losing weight sadly), but LISTENING TO MY MIND.
I know there is some slogan out there "The mind is a terrible thing to waste." Personally, I don't agree with their use of waste. If they are referring to the inner city kids who cant go to school or are deprived, I can't see HOW they can waste their mind. Where is it wasting to? To me, wasting the mind would be engaging in useless endeavors. A good example of "wasting" a mind is someone who uses their brain power to cause harm or destruction. Like a well thought out bank robbery. All that wasted energy and logical thinking only to get arrested sometime in the future. Or shot. Whichever. The point is that that logical ability and time management skill could have been used to manage a buisness or land planes in an airport. Now that is a waste. Using the same ability to do something stupid rather than smart. Now that is different from a smart guy working the cash register. Why? Because the "skills" he is using to work the register are not those that can be used to do something meaningful. He just hasnt used his smartness yet. So just because inner city kids arent doing anything smart doesn't mean they are wasting their minds. In fact, I think its the opposite. They are stagnant.
Stagnation is not a positive thing either, but my point in all this was to show you that we think we may be doing the right things for all the right reasons. We waste our minds all day long. We may not go to the extreme of robbing banks, but maybe you, like me, will put our energies in places that do not yield any benefit. How many people do I know will major in something at school that they would rather not do? I'm no stranger to that phenomenon. Then what happens is that later on in life, we start to regret things... and that leads to all sorts of problems. Not only that, it starts to create this cesspool of self-doubt and all of a sudden, life becomes unmanageable. Or a mirage! We become further and further from the voice of the mind until we can't hear it anymore. Now comes the part where we create these "choices" that seem so great and that hold the key to our happiness. Meanwhile, you have no idea where these ideas came from. I bet you can honestly say "Gee, I don't remember ever wanting to be _______. Hm"
Here is where I sat for hours thinking about that last sentence. All I could say was "wait a minute, when did I say I wanted to be an engineer? and WHY the hell did I say that?" Friends, if you are able to ask yourself this question, you are on the right track home.
I need to go to bed, but I will continue with this later on:
Home is where the mind is, and it houses many a strange thing. Including fear....
:: Jane Dee 6:29:00 PM [+] ::
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:: 5.09.2004 ::
Hmm..
Well, at least the Mets aren't only one above the Expos.
I guess all the Mets can do is hope other teams keep losing... hehehe.
:: Jane Dee 10:23:00 AM [+] ::
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Oh good lord, save me...
If you want to know how I am doing, read on. After much thinking I thought to not withdraw and finish this semester at least. I talked to so many people about what to do it's not even funny. I figured I paid for this semester, why not finish? Well, if it's killing me, I don't think I should, right? Well, now that it is three days after the drop date, I am horrified. I can't do my reading, there is another "test" on Monday and I still can't get out of bed as I should. I don't even think I can last this semester. I don't even think I will care enough to pull off a "C." This is insane. Can you believe a three time dean's list achiever, 3.5 GPA, Math degree person who loves school will intentionally fail or at least do less and less until I know it's over? I know there is seriously something wrong with me.
It is yet another sad/bad/mad day. I tried and tried hard to read my book yesterday/night but wound up crying and feeling like I was going to throw up and die. I ate some ice cream hoping to feel better. I just ended up going to sleep. I couldn't wake up this morning at the time I intended and got to this library later than I expected.
Things are bad. I am not sure I will be able to make my self do any work to even pass this semester. I was contemplating about asking the deputy chair to give me a withdrawl anyway because I am having a bad time. Hopefully, she will be sympathetic to my plea. It's like Im turning off. Who knows what will happen next week? Maybe I won't even get out of bed and finally say "screw this shit" and wind up getting a WU (which equals an F). Then I will hate myself even more than I do now and will probably begin to live the way I always feared and start rotting in my room and never do anything with my life.
I know it sounds really stupid but I can't fight this anymore because Im losing badly. My brain says NO, my body says NO; it's just not working. I just don't know what else I can do to make it work. I've tried everything to make me motivated to do it. Nothing I've done in the past to make me go "uh better get at it" has worked. In fact, the more I try to make me "go get it" the worse I/things become.
I know (at least I hope) its not the end of the world. There is the option of getting my bachelors (don't laugh asshole) and doing nursing later (in a different school, good grief). I also think a big part of my current crisis is that I'm stagnant. Maybe I need to move. Maybe I really can't live in my house anymore. Maybe all of it has caught up to me. My neighborhood, my family, my house just everything. Maybe now is the time.
I don't even know what that means! I feel like something big is going to happen but I am not sure what the hell it is. I don't even know if it's going to be bad. I know I was supposed to post up that dream I spoke of earlier and it keeps haunting me over and over again. Im still not 100% sure what the hell it was saying to me. All I know is that I need to really look at myself, my true self and that is what will bring me all that I desire. It has to come out of me. Well, okay but what exactly is inside? Is it really psychology or is this another whim that keeps me on this continuum I can't seem to escape from. Is it really nursing or am I just talking out of my ass? Is it true that it is both or am I just kidding myself? These things are hard.
What I can tell you is that I feel very stupid and miserable for thinking I could do this and escape. I even feel dumb for putting all this on my blog. I haven't even touched my webpage. The last time I even looked at the meteor shower dates was in January. Nothing matters to me anymore. I don't care about music, books, pictures, writing, my webpage, biking (I didn't go on that tour a few Sundays ago you know), school, laundry, whatever! Everything seems like one big hassle. Everything takes up so much energy it's unbelievable. I've always found the energy, I was always able to do what I set out to do, even if my world was collpasing around me (which it usually is). But now, it's like, wtf. I don't even want to get out of bed. I keep saying I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the beach, I can't wait 'till I can go to the beach. Pfft. Even if I could go to the beach, I don't even think I would go.
My sister may be the smartest person in the world right now. (I'm pretty sure she was in my dream, along with lou). She said that I should finish the BA. She said that I can do nursing later, but right now, fixing my ego is more important. She said that getting the BA will finally show all the hard work I have done. She said it will satisfy me more than the RN at this point. And she said I don't have to tell my mother. Unfortunately, my sister knows me in a way that most don't. I then warned her not go to KCC for nursing.
As I sit here in the library wasting time instead of studying, I will tell you about KCC Nursing. It blows. I will tell you that this school (I hope it's this school and not Nursing in general) does not make smart people want to do nursing. Im telling you, when the textbook has contradictions, the tests don't test anything, and they gloss over things that are important, who the hell is going to care? Usually, when you do subpar on a test, you learn from it. I have not learned anything from my "mistakes" on these tests besides "studying less will be just as good as studying more." No really. I also learned that they will make the test easier at will so that they have an adequate number of people passing. The first two tests, people did bad, especially #2. Only 10 out of 54 passed that (I passed). At that point, less than half of the students were passing the class. So what do they do? Make the next test easier. Suddenly, everyone was getting into the 90s when they were barely pulling 50 on the last two tests. Is this normal? Now everyone is like "yay, nursing is great!" meanwhile, we are puppets of the faculty who maintain how "top notch" KCC's nursing program is and how KCC nurses are known across the country. BAHHHAHAHA. You know, I have a buddy online who lives in Texas and he never heard of KCC nurses. I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF KCC NURSES AND I LIVE 6 MILES AWAY. I didn't even know they HAD a nursing program until about a year and a half ago. Who are they kidding anyway? Not me. All of it makes me sick. I always joke to myself that the people and faculty at KCC think its Harvard Nursing School (GUFFAW!!!!!) or something. I love to use the line "This is Nursing" because it makes me laugh. Yeah so? All I can say is that if THIS is nursing then nursing sucks. However, deep inside, I know there is a place where I can learn nursing and say yeah "THIS is nursing, not that other shit." I would also like to comment about the whole grades thing. It seems that people are happy with the illusion that "C's are A's and Nursing school is hard and everyone knows that." Well, let me tell you something: If a C=A then why not just give me the A? Why make it look like it's something that it's not? Who is really benefitting here? I think the faculty is. Certainly not the students... especially those who want to go to grad school. Especially those students who want to go on and do more with thier lives than work at Coney Island hospital as a staff nurse for the rest of their life and live in the fantasy that and ADN makes $60K starting. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That is the biggest lie I have ever heard. (See tables here.) It's like Im going to school in a communist setting: everyone will enjoy equal status of getting C's and you don't have to worry about competition in school because we will label you an RN and that is what you really want. All of us will get good jobs and get paid lots and lots and everyone will be happy so just be quiet. Now, if that were true, I probably wouldn't feel this way, but since I like competition and being a high achiever and trying to get more and more, even if I can "have enough" with this, I feel awkward. It's just hard to believe that the students in my class buy into the crap that grades don't matter and getting an RN is better than a bachelors and on and on. Well, grades matter to me and they certainly matter somewhere or they wouldn't give them out. If grades didn't matter, well, then why mandate that you need a C to stay in the program? Hmm. Yeah...
All I can say is that an RN is good and its what I want, but it's not the only thing I want and it's not better than other things either. I just wish this school would stop pretending to be something it's not.
Now that I have wasted two hours, I will try to do something. However, if I cannot study, I think my decision has come. I apologize to anyone out there offended by my actions, but my mental health is at stake.
Im obviously not doing my best at hiding anymore. I did have a disturbing dream that may shed some light on my current situation. I will post my renditions of some important scenes later. Right now, I am still in the blue room trying to decide on my future. At least I finished my care plan for nursing tomorrow. I havn't been slacking in my classes though. I have been working just as much as I would as if I weren't dropping. Currently, I have a B- in lecture and an A- in drug calculations (because on the last test, I just bubbled in answers. If I choose to stay, I can make that one up anyway). According to them, I am doing well. I also wasn't called in for "chat" with the deputy chair to tell me that I am failing clinical or lecture or both. I heard they make you sign a form that says that you understand that you are currently failing. How retarded.
As for my mental status, I think I am currently stable. Today was better than yesterday as was the day before because somebody decided to send me a worm/virus and screw up my computer. Well, that was taken care of, thank you. I thought I was going to have an ulcer right then and there. Well, I don't feel like I am going to have an ulcer but I sure feel queasy. At least I didn't think of anything bad today. I just have anxiety. Lately it has been coming and going in big ways. One minute I am very very anxious and the next I can be not anxious but extremely detached from the world. I am hoping that all these problems are due to my extremely high stress levels from the problem I am having. If not, I may have to go in for evaluation! Oh no! The way some of these psychiatrists work is disgusting. I'd rather suffer. But like I said, I hope it's due to stress and not some biological factor.
I know I have to think about things a bot more. I need to really look at what I want, I guess. I think this time is unique because it is the first time I am not factoring in anything. No family, no money, no boyfriend, no friends... no boundaries basically. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult. For example, I want to go to AZ but I am also very interested in that dual degree at city... even the BA or BS in psychology looks good to me. But it is difficult because I don't care about "well, I want to get out of my house ASAP and live on my own etc etc." I know that will come. Heck, I can even move out soon (but live in NY) while getting my BS (louuu! can you graduate already!) That sounds good too. And it's possible.
I want to make the right choice.... however, past experiences have made me believe that I make bad decisions. Now that I think about it. Maybe my decision making process is all good, but the things I had to make decisions on were the things that were bad. I need to make sure that I am making these new decisions for all the right reasons. Not because of something I think is right but have no idea why that would even be a factor. It is obvious that it is time to make a new decision. Why this is so, I have no idea. I am regaining hope though. I feel a bit of energy returning to me, although that could be the weight I gained back from all the anxiety I had. I haven't smoked or drank (in excess... I had a hard ice tea on Saturday) and that is a good sign.
Now I will go... probably to think some more and get a stomach ache most likely. Yeah well, c'est la vie
But it is kind of funny. And now, poor Ty has an ulcer. lol
:: Jane Dee 8:15:00 AM [+] ::
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Shhhh! I'm hiding....
Okay look people, I'm in a funk. I am having an early midlife crisis. I think I am having a problem with generativty vs. stagnation... or maybe its the one before it... ANYWAY, I have been so stressed lately that I cannot think of anything but "What am I doing!?!!??" over and over again. What is the best course of action for miss jane dee? Is it nursing? Is it psychology? Is it both? What order should I proceed in? Will I hate myself if I transfer yet again (and have to go back to LIU for a transcript?) Will I feel even worse if I drop nursing and do psychology (a "taboo" major in my family, as if) and then go back to nursing later? What about my plans for AZ? Will that happen? Will I make a decision soon? Will I EVER stop pulling my hair out? (No, I really do exhibit trichotillomania, esp when I am stressed)
So if you see I ain't updating, now you know why. Just give me another week... the drop date for nursing is coming soon.
In other news, I was awarded my dean's list certificate today. Just what I need, more anxiety. Yay me. (..."pomp and circumstance" plays in the background...)
I can see myself becoming more and more inclined to a different answer.... Oh right, I was supposed to tell you what I really wanted.
Well... I don't know.
It seems as though I am perpetually stuck in some kind of academic continuum where all my problems become one and the same, repeating themselves over and over. What does a person like me do? It's just such an odd feeling that my brain doesn't want to study.... I ALWAYS want to study... what is wrong with me? Is it really me? Lets take the shining examples:
In my intro nursing class, we are expected to think critically and analytically.... okay fine. I can do that. We are also instructed not to "read into the question" meaning don't put in any information that isn't there. Well, then why is it that an answer to on eof our questions involved us "assuming" the 80 year old man has a hearing aid when the question specifically did not say he had a hearing aid. Now, I have to contend with getting low grades because these professors want to make it like nursing is some elite "profession" that is like going to med school. You know, I'm really tired of everyone making it like nursing is the center of the "universe" (guffaw!) and that I better start doing this and that... well, I WOULD do this and that... iF THEY TOLD ME WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING!
I swear these professors don't know how to teach. They babble on and on about stuff we could read in the book and for what? In this class, the more you read, the worse you will do. IM NOT LEARNING ANYTHING. I DONT WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE OF MY LIFE YOU KNOW.
So now what? Do I stay and ruin my beautiful average? Do I withdraw and just finish my bachelors in anything? Will I be happy with yet ANOTHER associate's degree? Will my mental status continue to decline becuase of this horrible curriculum? Who knows... right now I shold be studying for my drug clac test but I am not finding the examples too hard so I don't care. I guess it's just too boring?
Maybe I'm crazy... I will get back to you on what I want though.
:: Jane Dee 11:38:00 AM [+] ::
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