:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: 5.26.2014 ::

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Of course I thought this long weekend would be a time to catch up and do the things we need to do around the house. Wrong! Thankfully TJ let me catch up on some sleep, but we were both tired enough not to do anything but move the kitchen trash to the large bin outside.

Well, not entirely. I did manage to go to Walmart and get some milk and frozen fruit. I also bought some colorful cutouts and such to decorate the area around T-Bird's crib. Then I went to the Asian market to get a case of tofu. I was looking for small bamboo spoons, but they didn't have them. They also didn't have the blue Adobo or the vegetable seasoning I need. That place is like shopping in the Caribbean: markets have empty shelves of stuff you want. Well, I am not going to buy stuff I don't want!

I still don't eat (much) and my milk is not going past 4 ounces. I am not sure if my poor appetite is causing that or I just don't make enough anyway. I still pump, but I will never be one of those moms with a frozen stash of milk. I am curious as to how that would be making all that milk.

Other than that, I haven't been bleeding out, thankfully. I barely have any pain at the incision and it is not red. Being able to sleep on my side again has been great. Well, when I can sleep that is. My main complaint is the anorexia, but after talking to TJ, I am feeling better about my future with food. After today, I must brace myself for another week of all-nighters with T-Bird. La de freakin' da!

:: Jane Dee 4:59:00 PM [+] ::
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I Can Sleep On My Side

Today marks a special day: after months of pregnancy and surgery, I can finally sleep on my side without discomfort!

Of course, that is one small victory in the field of misery.

Anyways, I have been having songs pop into my head and not leave. One in particular is "Jamie" by Weezer:

Not sure why this song popped in, but I think if you replace "Jamie" with "baby" it will make more sense.

Then there is the Dobie Gray song. It is perfectly fitting during these trying times, when it seems like only music can help me through some dark moments:

Why yes, I would like to drift away....

:: Jane Dee 1:40:00 PM [+] ::
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Who Needs Food?

Well, if I am not bleeding to death, then perhaps I can't eat anymore. My newest problem is anorexia.

My bleeding has actually almost stopped. Is it supposed to do that? Ugh, I don't know. All I know is that no blood is better than tons of blood. Now that I am approaching three weeks postpartum, I should be slowing with the bleeding, but for it to kind of stop is just weird.

Anyways, in all the "new baby" literature you read, there is always something about postpartum depression. Yes, I've been weepy, and tired, and all that. And I always have obsessive thoughts (before baby was even a twinkle in my eyeballs). However, I always like to eat. Now, I can't eat anything. I have to force myself to eat one meal a day. And it's not much of a meal. Just a sandwich. I almost went without eating yesterday, but ate a sandwich. I am not hungry nor do I have an appetite.

Combined with being weepy and I feel like I'm 19 all over again! Of course, I was miserable back then and I hated every moment. I don't particularly hate every moment now, but I do think back to points in my life and say how terrible my life is/was. Not that this is anything new to me. I do that all the time. So I can't really say I have depression. I'm kind of always depressed! The only truly new and disturbing symptom is not eating. What is funny, is when I went to my last doctor's appointment, the nurse asked me if I was eating the extra 500 calories to make milk, amounting to at least 2000 calories a day. I laughed and said "NO. I can't eat anything." She says I must "for the baby." Well, no shit! I know "must" but there is a difference between knowing what I am supposed to do and being able to do it. Well, I have not been consuming 2000 calories a day. I would be lucky if I was eating 800. I might be. But it is definitely not over 1000.

I talked to TJ about it last night. He says I should call my doctor. I said "there isn't a pill for anorexia." My best guess is that my brain is reacting to something traumatic, as if I was in a car accident, and is shutting off my appetite. TJ thinks its all the blood loss and I am reacting to it. I would have to agree. It was after all that bleeding that I didn't want to eat beef anymore. Then it just led to all food. I want food, but I don't want to eat it.

When I "woke up" this morning, I decided to make this anorexia work for me. Since I make myself eat something here and there, I will just have to eat high fat and protein so I don't dissolve my muscles. The stupid thing about not eating is that you'll lose weight, but your muscles get eaten away. So in the end you're kind of fatter. When I lost weight this time, I was very lean. That was from eating fats and protein. Kind of like an Atkins diet, but not doing the induction phase.

But since I have no idea what will happen to me next week, who knows if this idea will work out. I haven't been able to produce much milk (4oz at most per day) and without eating, I only pumped about 18ml (a little more than half an ounce) today. Hopefully, if I eat fatty foods, the supply will go up. Otherwise, I will suffer the fate of my mother and just have dry boobs. She was only able to give milk t my sister for a short while, and I had none. Maybe with a second kid, I will have none? I guess there is no point in thinking about that now. One kid at a time; One boob at a time.

:: Jane Dee 2:12:00 PM [+] ::
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Am I Bleeding To Death?

Last week, my postpartum bleeding had slowed. This past weekend, it revved up and was literally leaking out of me. Am I bleeding to death?

Well, despite my anxiety and thoughts of death, I made it to the pediatrician to give T-Bird her second heel poke to check for PKU (phenylketonuria). The mean old doctor or nurse takes this poke-y device (kind of like a blood sugar poker thing) and uses it on the heel of innocent babies to draw their blood. Of course T-Bird did not appreciate this at ALL, and cried so loud, fists pumping and everything. I said to the nurse "Yeah. That's similar to how I react when I get a shot." Of course, she thought that was hilarious. Anyways, poor T-Bird was so upset she pooped her diapers. That doesn't happen to me when I get a shot, but sometimes I pass out when I get more than one at a time.

So when I came home, I was still bleeding. A lot. I mentioned it to TJ and he said to call the doctor. I told him I could have sworn they told me I would bleed for quite a few weeks, but I wasn't sure. I texted one of my coworkers from the kitchen who had 2 c-sections and she said she bled for about six weeks. Okay, maybe I was overreacting? Well it seemed that every time I took some iron to compensate for my blood loss, MORE blood comes out. The problem with this blood is that it is bright red, meaning new. So all day and night, I thought I was going to die.

The next day I saw no stopping in my bleeding. I called the doctor and they called me back. Apparently, lochia (the postpartum juice) can "ebb and flow" and go from bright red to dark red in the process. They also told me that if I am breastfeeding, then expect to bleed longer. (Funny, I thought breastfeeding helps you stop bleeding) Lochia can be pretty heavy I suppose before it actually is a hemorrhage. This page does a good job at showing what "soaking a pad in an hour" looks like. So apparently, I did not have that, and I was very happy to know that I was not bleeding to death.

This week, I plan to take it easy, meaning I will do nothing. Now that all the doctor appointments are out of the way and most of the shopping is done, I can rest. Well, as much as the baby will let me. If I don't update again, then I guess I bled out.

:: Jane Dee 2:20:00 PM [+] ::
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I Made It To FMLA

One week after my eligibility, I'm out! However, my anxiety builds as I approach my dreadful surgery.

My last scan gave me good results: I have successfully filled my sac with fluids. Hooray!

Now I can't say my experience went well. The stupid place I went to charged me the $50 copay because "they are a specialist" and I argued with them that I am not "high-risk" who said that? Anyways, this place told the insurance that I am high risk, and so the insurance was freaking out and thought that I was seeing them because I was high risk. No, my doctor sent me there because she doesn't have a sonographer on Thursday or Friday. Ugh. Well, I wound up paying the $50 (but rest assured I will call them back since the insurance woman claims I should get my money back if I'm not high-risk... How do you think that will pan out?) and did this long ass sonogram. Meanwhile, my doctor just ordered a short fluid check. See how these doctors like to scam people? And they claim it is the insurance companies. No. It is the greedy doctors. This jerk took advantage of a situation and extended what was supposed to be a 15 minute sonogram into a 40 minute plus sonogram. I pay $50 for nothing. Well, I will call my insurance and describe my displeasure and then ask "and who is supposed to give me my money back?" And what will she say? No one.

In any case, I have regained fluids, even though the retard I saw at the scam place claims I can't possibly regain fluids that fast just by resting and drinking water; it had to be because the people at my doctors office don't know how to read sonograms. Right. Well, at work, I was very "leaky" and I would soak through my pads. Since I have been off work, I have barely wet my pad. Explain that Guido! (That doctor is Italian) This is why I don't want to go to "man" doctors for "woman-y" things: they are scientific, but there are things that women know because they know them. Not everything in life has a scientific explanation or rationale. There are things that work for whatever the reason. I know he thinks he is all that but I don't see why this can't be a possibility. So he said I could go back to work, and I said I was leaky at work, and he kind of scoffed. Humph. Well, I'm glad he ain't delivering my kid. TJ wanted me to walk out of there when we walked in, but I really wanted them to see fluids. I should have listened to him... again. Ugh! Well anyways, I called my doctor the next day and she said I could go back to work but I have to be careful, so I said "I don't want to risk it again, let me start FMLA now" and she agreed.

So I am off for three months. I hope that will be enough time to heal from my shitty surgery. I will be in major pain because after the morphine (or whatever good stuff they give me) wears off or prescription I finish, I will not be taking any advil or tylenol. I stopped taking those things because I am sure I have already damaged my liver and kidneys and I need to save what is left. I will just have to watch movies like "Gladiator" to inspire me to work through the pain. I have had oral surgery to remove some impacted wisdom teeth many moons ago and that shit was painful. I think I was taking advil for three months. I thought I was getting addicted to advil, but eventually the pain subsided. What is funny is that I was supposed to get antibiotics, but I never filled the prescription. Whoops. Luckily, I didn't get an infection, but I will definitely take antibiotics this time. The last thing I need is a huge infection in my abdomen.

So this is going to be tough as hell. I am still enrolled in that pathophysiology class, which starts on May 29 or something. I am keen on the drop date, which I may be utilizing given all my issues at this time. I have no idea how any of this will turn out so all I can do is hope for the best. Hope for a smooth surgery, hope for little pain, hope for quick healing, and hope for a well-behaved baby. Oh yeah, and I have the "concurrent program info session" the day before my surgery. Great! I was hoping to have been able to go to the one in April, but my supervisor was like "oh no! we have so many people off!" so I just said "okay I won't go." Well, hopefully, it will take my mind off of what I will have to be doing the next day. Of course, it culd also just cause me more anxiety.

Today I am "resting" and such. I really do hate sitting around though. I want to shop for baby stuff but I did that last wek and almost dropped. I can't do a shopping stint for two hours. I might be able to go in one hour chunks. I do need to get a few things but I will have to see. I wanted to use the Jazzy at Walmart the last time I was there, but all the obese people were using them up. Thanks! Maybe next time I can use it, otherwise, I can't stay long at all.

Now I have to go and eat. I am pretty hungry. Or is the baby hungry? (oh excuse me, I mean the "fetus") Well, in either case, my stomach is on fire!

:: Jane Dee 7:43:00 AM [+] ::
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