:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: 2.23.2005 ::

Sometimes, it's all about the past

Right now I am sitting in the music library... I think its significant because this is where I used to sit when I first came to CCNY as a math major. I was very frightened and lonely and in enormous amounts of emotional pain. I would come here every moment I was free and post stuff on my webpage instead of studying "Bridge to Advanced Mathematics." I used to talk to this Russian-looking guy who played guitar and pretend I was searching for music so I could stay on the computers.

This may be one of my more personal entries as I have been going through some emotions lately that are strange. I've been getting happier and happier with life and myself and thus have been reflecting more and more on past events that have hurt me. Now, Im not talking about events from a long long time ago like my Guido Fight, but events from 2002 and on. Most of them pertain to school and relationships and the (mostly bad) choices I had made and how it has shaped my present.

One interesting event that occured in my brain was that I found out what the meaning of love really is. Simply put, you should feel like yourself and practically not even know that the significant other is another person. I'm not sure if that has ever occurred in my life yet but I have plenty of time to find out.

I also had a dream last night that puts my current thoughts into perspective, or at least more thought. The dream was about how I was still in KCC Nursing and I was telling a few classmates that I wanted to leave this to finish my Bachelors. That was followed by a scolding about how nursing is the best occupation and its a great field and leaving for a BS is stupid because you could make more money with an AAS Nursing anyway. (Mind you the dream convo was snippets of actual conversation held at school in the library) In the dream, I took her comments to heart and felt awful, like I had made a terrible mistake (again) and now I was destined for humiliation and doom. Fortunately I woke up.

In my mind, I dont regret leaving KCC Nursing (I emphasize "KCC" for a reason you'll see). My psyche would be much happier if 1)I finish a BS (Yes bachelors in science not art) in anything so I can have it done and contemplate careers later 2) Move away from here (meaning NY, thus "KCC") so I can have some peace and develop myself independently and sanely. 3) After thinking about what I want, go to a school in a nice place (Namely ASU) to either finish up the BS to MS or to get a new degree (and at least it would be a BS not AAS) in nursing or whatever.

In some ways, I feel like I failed by leaving KCC Nursing to finish this BS. But then again, I feel like I made the right choice, that the BS would leave more wiggle room in life, even at FedEx. With a BS (in anything) I can do whatever I like: I can teach (as adjunt) at a community college, I can get another BS degree without having to do so much prerequisite crap, I can go to some grad school if my grades are good enough, I can get hired at almost any job that says they need a bachelors...

The problem I had with nursing (at least at KCC) is that there were too many answers. Unfortunately, Nursing is not "scientific enough" for my brain. Im used to having either THE answer or NOT the answer (i.e., mathematics). When I hear the word "diagnosis" I think "Okay, there is one answer here." However, in Nursing, that isnt the case. A "nursing diagnosis" can go on forever, with seemingly an infinite number of answers. I also had problems with the concerted effort on the part of the "nursing authorities" to convince me that nursing is indeed a "real" profession in that is has a unique body of knowledge. Im sorry, but I cant agree with anyone saying something is a science when they practice something like "Therapeutic Touch"! Look, I don't have a problem with anyone doing yoga to help clear their mind, but if I want to be a serious nurse, I can't possibly go into a patients room and say "Ok, im going to feel for energy spikes and such and unruffle them." Its one thing to do something for yourself, its another to pass that on to someone as science under the guise of a scientific profession. SHEESH! Hopefully, I will get a chance to visit ASU's nursing facility and see if they make you take such ridiculous classes. If they do, I should choose another thing to study because I will surely go mad.

Not that psychology is all that scientific, but at least its theories are backed up by better controlled experiments. Im not saying that I agree with everything, but many things make sense and if its just to gather data about humans then that is fine too.

Now that I have been reading about Therapeutic Touch and how that topic led to a nine-year-old getting published in JAMA for her experiment showing TT is not all it is, I feel better! I think I will sign off and contemplate my life some more. This library is quite nice, it just has bad memories.

I now have an hour before class. Maybe I should read something... relevant! HA!

:: Jane Dee 10:43:00 AM [+] ::
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What a week!

This was such an eventful week I don't even know where I am.

Sunday
Sunday was awesome! Me and my friend G went out to Long Island to FLY AN AIRPLANE! We flew some old cessna, but it was so cool! This guy that gave us the lessons is stationed in Brooklyn, around Sheepshead Bay, and he works out of a small airport in Suffolk. We got a discount because there were two of us, so we each got to take off and land. The only problem is that I wonder if I want a T-Bird, or an AIRPLANE, LOL!!!


Monday, Tuesday
Monday and Tuesday were rough! I had to learn to drive a W700 Deisel truck for my upgrade at my job. Oh right, I don't think I told you yet! Ha ha! well, I work for FedEx Express. Neat huh? Currently I am the "gatekeeper" in the evening and the "scanner" in the morning sort, but I wanted to do the "shuttle" to JFK. The shuttle would mean about a 5am start or so to drive to the airport and go and get some letters, probably the first overnights or something urgent. I would still scan, but Im not sure If id need to stay the gatekeeper. To do the shuttle, you have to learn to drive the W700, a diesel powered 16,000lb truck that is about 23' long. That is what I did Monday and Tuesday. I learned to drive this monster! I passed too, in case you're wondering. We had to drive this thing fowards AND backwards thru CONES 30' apart. Oy. Let me tell you something. FLYING a plane is a HELL of a lot easier. We drove along Rt 110, Rt 27, and along Montauk Highway all the way to Babylon. We used the Costco parking lot to do the parking test and I parked the best! Whoo Hoo! I got my DOT certification and the instructor said we could possibly use it to get a defensive driving discount for our own private cars. After this, I have one more class to take to get my Port AUthority ID. Then I can get the shuttle, then hopefully I can get permanent and then have something to smile about! More on that as it comes.

Wednesday
Not Much going on here but a test for statistics. I think I got a high pass.

Thursday, Friday
Studied some, ate some, went to work, Nothing happened at work until Friday when this newjack manager starts getting on my case about long hair and how if I don't tie it back he is going to send me home. WELL, I looked through my safety manual and the only time I have to tie my hair is when Im working on the conveyor belt. I wasn't even near the conveyor belt when he said he would sen me home. We'll see about that! No one threatens me on stuff that don't count! (Evil plan unfolds)

Saturday
KABLAMMO! I am hit with a horrible MIGRAINE! I hadn't had one of these in a long time. I took excedrin, tylenol, and advil and I was still in pain. Well, Today is Sunday and I still havent caught up with my schoolwork and I have a hangover from the pain. I hate migraines. I should get medication. Sigh. I sent for the coupon before but never got it. I requested it again. We'll see.

Sunday
KA POW! I am pleasently reminded that I am a woman.

I think Im done here :{

:: Jane Dee 1:22:00 PM [+] ::
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Alas, you Can Die of a Broken Heart

Today is sort of a nice day. It was bit rainy, but the weather was nice. I dropped that psy 103 class. I feel better about it now, but as I checked my schedue, I will almost 100% graduate spring 2006. oh well. There is nothing I can do about that. On theone hand I want to graduate, but I dont want a reapeat of my life before: stressed out scared and worried myself sick, right into the hospital. Between work and school, I need to seriously reduce stress. Im not 19 anymore!

Oh yes, read here to find out how you too can die of a broken heart

Perhaps what would be of more interest is some kind of animal (or ghost) scurrying around in the crawlspace above my bedroom. I imagine it is some squirrel trying to make a nest. I have to go up there and set some traps!

What is of less interest than the squirrel is that I am at KCC using their SPSS program! I am all ready to take my test on wednesday now that I have had plenty of practice and can have more practice now that I don't have to go all the way to CCNY to use their crappy PCs.

The only problem I have is coming back here. I always get sad when I go to school for some reason. I get sad at City and I get sad at KCC. Well, I guess I have a lot of memories in either place. Right now I am trying to get it doen and get out of here for now. Im sad now because the extended graduation time means that I need to use my time in NY constructively. First I thought I would just to to ASU and establish residency by auditing some classes but it turns out that it may better if I audit them in NY after all. After graduation, I figure I can go to City to audit the classes I need and take organic chem at KCC because its cheaper at a community college. Either that or audit them somewhere else. City may get too annoying after a while you know?
Eh.

Im going to submit my alumni form so I cantake books out from here.

:: Jane Dee 11:58:00 AM [+] ::
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I am sad now

Staright Talk About Grad School. This makes it worse. Good thing I sorta gave up on that idea. I will just go into health care. Just have to finish this damn bachelors.

:: Jane Dee 11:35:00 AM [+] ::
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How about this for me?

How to make decisions.

:: Jane Dee 12:22:00 PM [+] ::
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Decisions, decisions!

I'm still thinking about what to do about that 103 class. Would it be in my best interest to drop? Would it really make a difference in whether I graduate the spring or fall? Here is the issue:

I have to complete a certain number of elective credits and required courses to get this BS/Psychology. As of NOW, I am taking one of the required classes, which is a prerequisite to the final required class. I am also taking two elective classes, 3 credits each. I need 16 elective credits to get the degree. One of these elective classes I am taking, psy 103, also counts as a writing class, which you need three of to graduate (the ones I took previously don't count because I was exempt from a whole lot of stuff because of the AS). These writing classes DON'T have to be an elective pertaining to the major. However, in the interest of time, I was going to try to take the electives that are writing. Well, I planned to take summer classes to get more classes out of the way sp my fall semester wouldn't be so heavy. If I drop this 103 class now, I will still have to take 3 writing classes and the 3 electives. I COULD try to take 103 again (with someone else!!) to make that up later and then just try to take other writing/psy electives if I can. However, there is, and never was, any guarentee that I would get a favorable summer schedule or even a favorable fall schedule. It seemed, and still seems, that I would end up having to graduate in the spring. I suppose that isn't so bad since I wanted to stay here for a little while longer to make money or audit classes (or even try to take organic chem). I wasn't planning on moving away so fast... Maybe it would be nice to graduate in the spring with everyone else... I dunno. The sucky part is that if i'd have known I was exempt from all those classes LAST semester, I would have taken what Im taking now and be ready to graduate this semester or in the fall... well, I guess I've waited this long, whats another year?

I've enlisted the help of the Magic 8-Ball!

I have until tomorrow to decide I suppose. I guess its time to eat lunch and go home. I finished my work on this computer. I have some questions to ask him tomorrow so when Im absent on monday (to get my training!!!!) I won't be left behind.

Im excited about my training though. When I pass and get that new schedule, Im going to have a super BBQ or have a party at some buffet... We'll see.

:: Jane Dee 12:07:00 PM [+] ::
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It's not like I was guaranteed to graduate this fall anyway...

Well, I'm in a pickle. I have to decide if I want to drop that 103 class because that teacher is making me crazy. She makes us go on the CUNY Blackboard to read her stupid comments about EVERYTHING. Not only that, she is very snooty. I can't stand her! All I want to do is the opposite of what she wants us to do... She keeps ATTENDANCE GRADES (What's next DELANY CARDS?). She also wants everything to be submitted by computer AND paper.. WHYY????? The problem dropping this class brings is that I will significantly decrease the probability that I will gather enough credits to graduate this fall. Even though that probability was low in the first place because I most likely cant take two classes in the summer, it will be even slimmer.

It's not like I want to drop it... However, I am about to get an upgrade at work that will require me getting up very early and doing a good job. The last thing I nees is stress. I used to stay in classes with horrible teachers, but I'm not young anymore and I have to work - and I have to do the job well or else. I really don't want my grade suffering because I walked in two minutes "late" even though she hasn't even started yet. Tomorrow is the last day to delete a class and get a 50% refund. WHAT TO DO?

Well, I don't know, but Unwritten Law has a GREAT new album! I love it! I saw them live at CBGBs not too long ago and finally got Russo's autograph on the ELVA album.

Right now I am trying to complete some work for my statistics class. This class is done ALL on computer (UGH) and I have to learn this program that is so far only available at school. I had to drive all the way up here to use a stupid lame PC that doesn't work well. Sigh. I have to find out if this program is available at KCC.

Still thinking about 103...

:: Jane Dee 11:44:00 AM [+] ::
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Ugh!

As if it weren't bad enough already.


Just thought I'd say that.

HEY! Check it out Miss AUTRALIA won the Miss Universe title. If I were still updating my webpage (ha ha) I would have made that top news. Well, you can click the Miss Universe link to the left and check it out! (Why is miss Teen USA always so retarted looking?)

:: Jane Dee 12:34:00 PM [+] ::
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Boy Do I Not Like That Class or What

So its day 2 of my schedule of classes and so far it's been ok. I do, however, need to make some adjustments to my day so I can get things done better!

First off, I have to set all my clocks to the same time. My car and watch are the same but different from my bathroom which is different from the three clocks in my bedroom which is different from the three clocks in the kitchen. When I am in the bathroom, I lose time when I come into the bedroom, which them I gain time in the kitchen but then become horribly late once I get to the car. My watch and car is set to school time which is not the same as the time at work. School is faster. I came five minutes late to work yesterday and just made it today. I guess I should really set those clocks together.

Secondly, I have to bring coffee with me to drink after my morning shift because that first class of mine is very draining. It's quite boring and by that time my breakfast has wore off. Either that or I take caffiene pills. I like coffee though.

Third, I need to find all the routes that lead to the tunnel so I can not get stuck. This is the second time the ez pass only lane was slower than the cash/ezpass lane. It was still the better route to take because the bridges were all backed up according to 1010 Wins.

At least I brought enough food with me today. Im not starving like Monday. I told my teachers about my absence but I don't know how that will work out. I have to go to Melville on February 14, 15 to get training so I can finally uppgrade to that position I wanted. When that works out, I will tell all and make adjustments to my blog accordingly.

I have also been working very late and having to get up very early doesnt help. I hope to catch up on some sleep the rest of the week now that my "school week" is over. I only go two days a week, thank heaven!

Now, I have to go log on to the CUNY Blackboard system, which I mentioned last time. It is very annoying. I hate this "informatin age" bullshit because I shouldn't have to RELY on a computer to get the informatin I need for a class. It didnt say anything about having computer skills or even a computer for that matter. I think it doesnt give anyone an advantage, just more clutter. I wish they would see that.

:: Jane Dee 12:16:00 PM [+] ::
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