:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: 4.30.2004 ::

Oh good god...

I can't look

But it is kind of funny. And now, poor Ty has an ulcer. lol

:: Jane Dee 8:15:00 AM [+] ::
...

Shhhh! I'm hiding....

Okay look people, I'm in a funk. I am having an early midlife crisis. I think I am having a problem with generativty vs. stagnation... or maybe its the one before it... ANYWAY, I have been so stressed lately that I cannot think of anything but "What am I doing!?!!??" over and over again. What is the best course of action for miss jane dee? Is it nursing? Is it psychology? Is it both? What order should I proceed in? Will I hate myself if I transfer yet again (and have to go back to LIU for a transcript?) Will I feel even worse if I drop nursing and do psychology (a "taboo" major in my family, as if) and then go back to nursing later? What about my plans for AZ? Will that happen? Will I make a decision soon? Will I EVER stop pulling my hair out? (No, I really do exhibit trichotillomania, esp when I am stressed)

So if you see I ain't updating, now you know why. Just give me another week... the drop date for nursing is coming soon.

In other news, I was awarded my dean's list certificate today. Just what I need, more anxiety. Yay me. (..."pomp and circumstance" plays in the background...)

sigh

:: Jane Dee 8:05:00 AM [+] ::
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And now, as I sit here and contemplate...

I can see myself becoming more and more inclined to a different answer.... Oh right, I was supposed to tell you what I really wanted.

Well... I don't know.

It seems as though I am perpetually stuck in some kind of academic continuum where all my problems become one and the same, repeating themselves over and over. What does a person like me do? It's just such an odd feeling that my brain doesn't want to study.... I ALWAYS want to study... what is wrong with me? Is it really me? Lets take the shining examples:

In my intro nursing class, we are expected to think critically and analytically.... okay fine. I can do that. We are also instructed not to "read into the question" meaning don't put in any information that isn't there. Well, then why is it that an answer to on eof our questions involved us "assuming" the 80 year old man has a hearing aid when the question specifically did not say he had a hearing aid. Now, I have to contend with getting low grades because these professors want to make it like nursing is some elite "profession" that is like going to med school. You know, I'm really tired of everyone making it like nursing is the center of the "universe" (guffaw!) and that I better start doing this and that... well, I WOULD do this and that... iF THEY TOLD ME WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING!

I swear these professors don't know how to teach. They babble on and on about stuff we could read in the book and for what? In this class, the more you read, the worse you will do. IM NOT LEARNING ANYTHING. I DONT WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE OF MY LIFE YOU KNOW.

So now what? Do I stay and ruin my beautiful average? Do I withdraw and just finish my bachelors in anything? Will I be happy with yet ANOTHER associate's degree? Will my mental status continue to decline becuase of this horrible curriculum? Who knows... right now I shold be studying for my drug clac test but I am not finding the examples too hard so I don't care. I guess it's just too boring?

Maybe I'm crazy... I will get back to you on what I want though.

:: Jane Dee 11:38:00 AM [+] ::
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Ohhhh... vacation makes things worse!

Hey Im in the computer lab again and I am very tired. Today was the first day back from "break" (you know me and breaks... this time, I hardly did any work, and was worried to no end about my future in nursing) and we didn't even get assigned the hospice patients as we had been promised. Not only that, I didn;t do as well as I like on that assignement we were given. I really had no idea what to write! Oh well. I guess I better do better. Which brings me to my next complaint topic: nursing.

You know, I was so hopeful and excited when I decided to try nursing. I was excited that I may have a great job and be helping people etc, etc, and bettering myself... well, it looks like I had too many expectations from it. Why? Well, I have had hardly any motivation to study and even though Im not failing, Im not doing as well as I know I can just because I am either bored or dissapointed or annoyed or SOMETHING. So all through break I just sat there and worried that I WOULD ultimatly become the loser that I feared I'd always be... no real education, no good job, nothing to show for all my hard work... Everyday is another day to claim a defeat.... it's either I didn't do enough or something else. Now I sit here thinking that all my dreams of ever getting a PhD are through. What am I going to do? Change majors AGAIN? I told myself that this was the last straw. I really did. Maybe I am too hard on myself.

Or maybe I just hate nursing.

If that is the reason, then I am doomed to be miserable no matter what. So why not, as a ceratin song plays on my MP3 Player, I tell you what I really want... really really want... (besides the stye on my eye to go away).

shoot... its 8pm, let me finish that thought at home... i need to go over the lung sounds...

:: Jane Dee 5:08:00 PM [+] ::
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Computer lab AGAIN

Phew! Someone smells like curry... me thinks its the dudes behind me but I could be wrong... it could be the blonde chick trying to make a brochure for KCC in front of me.

ANYWAY, this is going to be an eventful weekend. Well, in my universe, "eventful" means "...filled with studious adventure" not to mention aggravating the eminent arthritic condition in my thumb and most recent, my left index finger. I think I may need to splint that finger because it hurts.

I had just completed another fun-filled nursing computer lab, this time on lung sounds. You know, these programs really have a way of sucking all the fun out of what could be an exciting part of the physical assessment. However, instead of using a hot guy with a six-pack for the demonsration, they choose to use a guy with a small fro (sans the afro sheen) and boobs that could have well been a B cup. Not only that, my throat is now scratchy from sitting directly under this A/C vent... I'm freezing!!

When I get home, I will have to read read read.... and type type type. I would attempt to write but I'm not sure which pain I want to aggravate.. the thumb or the index finger? Decisions decisions!!

Speaking of decisions, I have to decide how to schedule my SPRING BREAK... can you believe that I have so much to do that I can't even take a normal break. I actually have to schedule in time to do work and leisure activities. That is not cool. Hopefully, I can get it all done.

Hmm. I think it's time I left this stupid lab... people are coming in with fried chicken and fries and it's making me very, very hungry.

:: Jane Dee 12:28:00 PM [+] ::
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