:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: 5.09.2004 ::

Hmm..

Well, at least the Mets aren't only one above the Expos.

I guess all the Mets can do is hope other teams keep losing... hehehe.

:: Jane Dee 10:23:00 AM [+] ::
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Oh good lord, save me...

If you want to know how I am doing, read on. After much thinking I thought to not withdraw and finish this semester at least. I talked to so many people about what to do it's not even funny. I figured I paid for this semester, why not finish? Well, if it's killing me, I don't think I should, right? Well, now that it is three days after the drop date, I am horrified. I can't do my reading, there is another "test" on Monday and I still can't get out of bed as I should. I don't even think I can last this semester. I don't even think I will care enough to pull off a "C." This is insane. Can you believe a three time dean's list achiever, 3.5 GPA, Math degree person who loves school will intentionally fail or at least do less and less until I know it's over? I know there is seriously something wrong with me.

It is yet another sad/bad/mad day. I tried and tried hard to read my book yesterday/night but wound up crying and feeling like I was going to throw up and die. I ate some ice cream hoping to feel better. I just ended up going to sleep. I couldn't wake up this morning at the time I intended and got to this library later than I expected.

Things are bad. I am not sure I will be able to make my self do any work to even pass this semester. I was contemplating about asking the deputy chair to give me a withdrawl anyway because I am having a bad time. Hopefully, she will be sympathetic to my plea. It's like Im turning off. Who knows what will happen next week? Maybe I won't even get out of bed and finally say "screw this shit" and wind up getting a WU (which equals an F). Then I will hate myself even more than I do now and will probably begin to live the way I always feared and start rotting in my room and never do anything with my life.

I know it sounds really stupid but I can't fight this anymore because Im losing badly. My brain says NO, my body says NO; it's just not working. I just don't know what else I can do to make it work. I've tried everything to make me motivated to do it. Nothing I've done in the past to make me go "uh better get at it" has worked. In fact, the more I try to make me "go get it" the worse I/things become.

I know (at least I hope) its not the end of the world. There is the option of getting my bachelors (don't laugh asshole) and doing nursing later (in a different school, good grief). I also think a big part of my current crisis is that I'm stagnant. Maybe I need to move. Maybe I really can't live in my house anymore. Maybe all of it has caught up to me. My neighborhood, my family, my house just everything. Maybe now is the time.

I don't even know what that means! I feel like something big is going to happen but I am not sure what the hell it is. I don't even know if it's going to be bad. I know I was supposed to post up that dream I spoke of earlier and it keeps haunting me over and over again. Im still not 100% sure what the hell it was saying to me. All I know is that I need to really look at myself, my true self and that is what will bring me all that I desire. It has to come out of me. Well, okay but what exactly is inside? Is it really psychology or is this another whim that keeps me on this continuum I can't seem to escape from. Is it really nursing or am I just talking out of my ass? Is it true that it is both or am I just kidding myself? These things are hard.

What I can tell you is that I feel very stupid and miserable for thinking I could do this and escape. I even feel dumb for putting all this on my blog. I haven't even touched my webpage. The last time I even looked at the meteor shower dates was in January. Nothing matters to me anymore. I don't care about music, books, pictures, writing, my webpage, biking (I didn't go on that tour a few Sundays ago you know), school, laundry, whatever! Everything seems like one big hassle. Everything takes up so much energy it's unbelievable. I've always found the energy, I was always able to do what I set out to do, even if my world was collpasing around me (which it usually is). But now, it's like, wtf. I don't even want to get out of bed. I keep saying I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the beach, I can't wait 'till I can go to the beach. Pfft. Even if I could go to the beach, I don't even think I would go.

My sister may be the smartest person in the world right now. (I'm pretty sure she was in my dream, along with lou). She said that I should finish the BA. She said that I can do nursing later, but right now, fixing my ego is more important. She said that getting the BA will finally show all the hard work I have done. She said it will satisfy me more than the RN at this point. And she said I don't have to tell my mother. Unfortunately, my sister knows me in a way that most don't. I then warned her not go to KCC for nursing.

As I sit here in the library wasting time instead of studying, I will tell you about KCC Nursing. It blows. I will tell you that this school (I hope it's this school and not Nursing in general) does not make smart people want to do nursing. Im telling you, when the textbook has contradictions, the tests don't test anything, and they gloss over things that are important, who the hell is going to care? Usually, when you do subpar on a test, you learn from it. I have not learned anything from my "mistakes" on these tests besides "studying less will be just as good as studying more." No really. I also learned that they will make the test easier at will so that they have an adequate number of people passing. The first two tests, people did bad, especially #2. Only 10 out of 54 passed that (I passed). At that point, less than half of the students were passing the class. So what do they do? Make the next test easier. Suddenly, everyone was getting into the 90s when they were barely pulling 50 on the last two tests. Is this normal? Now everyone is like "yay, nursing is great!" meanwhile, we are puppets of the faculty who maintain how "top notch" KCC's nursing program is and how KCC nurses are known across the country. BAHHHAHAHA. You know, I have a buddy online who lives in Texas and he never heard of KCC nurses. I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF KCC NURSES AND I LIVE 6 MILES AWAY. I didn't even know they HAD a nursing program until about a year and a half ago. Who are they kidding anyway? Not me. All of it makes me sick. I always joke to myself that the people and faculty at KCC think its Harvard Nursing School (GUFFAW!!!!!) or something. I love to use the line "This is Nursing" because it makes me laugh. Yeah so? All I can say is that if THIS is nursing then nursing sucks. However, deep inside, I know there is a place where I can learn nursing and say yeah "THIS is nursing, not that other shit." I would also like to comment about the whole grades thing. It seems that people are happy with the illusion that "C's are A's and Nursing school is hard and everyone knows that." Well, let me tell you something: If a C=A then why not just give me the A? Why make it look like it's something that it's not? Who is really benefitting here? I think the faculty is. Certainly not the students... especially those who want to go to grad school. Especially those students who want to go on and do more with thier lives than work at Coney Island hospital as a staff nurse for the rest of their life and live in the fantasy that and ADN makes $60K starting. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That is the biggest lie I have ever heard. (See tables here.) It's like Im going to school in a communist setting: everyone will enjoy equal status of getting C's and you don't have to worry about competition in school because we will label you an RN and that is what you really want. All of us will get good jobs and get paid lots and lots and everyone will be happy so just be quiet. Now, if that were true, I probably wouldn't feel this way, but since I like competition and being a high achiever and trying to get more and more, even if I can "have enough" with this, I feel awkward. It's just hard to believe that the students in my class buy into the crap that grades don't matter and getting an RN is better than a bachelors and on and on. Well, grades matter to me and they certainly matter somewhere or they wouldn't give them out. If grades didn't matter, well, then why mandate that you need a C to stay in the program? Hmm. Yeah...

All I can say is that an RN is good and its what I want, but it's not the only thing I want and it's not better than other things either. I just wish this school would stop pretending to be something it's not.

Now that I have wasted two hours, I will try to do something. However, if I cannot study, I think my decision has come. I apologize to anyone out there offended by my actions, but my mental health is at stake.

Just don't tell my mother. :P

:: Jane Dee 8:49:00 AM [+] ::
...

ARGH!

Im obviously not doing my best at hiding anymore. I did have a disturbing dream that may shed some light on my current situation. I will post my renditions of some important scenes later. Right now, I am still in the blue room trying to decide on my future. At least I finished my care plan for nursing tomorrow. I havn't been slacking in my classes though. I have been working just as much as I would as if I weren't dropping. Currently, I have a B- in lecture and an A- in drug calculations (because on the last test, I just bubbled in answers. If I choose to stay, I can make that one up anyway). According to them, I am doing well. I also wasn't called in for "chat" with the deputy chair to tell me that I am failing clinical or lecture or both. I heard they make you sign a form that says that you understand that you are currently failing. How retarded.

As for my mental status, I think I am currently stable. Today was better than yesterday as was the day before because somebody decided to send me a worm/virus and screw up my computer. Well, that was taken care of, thank you. I thought I was going to have an ulcer right then and there. Well, I don't feel like I am going to have an ulcer but I sure feel queasy. At least I didn't think of anything bad today. I just have anxiety. Lately it has been coming and going in big ways. One minute I am very very anxious and the next I can be not anxious but extremely detached from the world. I am hoping that all these problems are due to my extremely high stress levels from the problem I am having. If not, I may have to go in for evaluation! Oh no! The way some of these psychiatrists work is disgusting. I'd rather suffer. But like I said, I hope it's due to stress and not some biological factor.

I know I have to think about things a bot more. I need to really look at what I want, I guess. I think this time is unique because it is the first time I am not factoring in anything. No family, no money, no boyfriend, no friends... no boundaries basically. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult. For example, I want to go to AZ but I am also very interested in that dual degree at city... even the BA or BS in psychology looks good to me. But it is difficult because I don't care about "well, I want to get out of my house ASAP and live on my own etc etc." I know that will come. Heck, I can even move out soon (but live in NY) while getting my BS (louuu! can you graduate already!) That sounds good too. And it's possible.

I want to make the right choice.... however, past experiences have made me believe that I make bad decisions. Now that I think about it. Maybe my decision making process is all good, but the things I had to make decisions on were the things that were bad. I need to make sure that I am making these new decisions for all the right reasons. Not because of something I think is right but have no idea why that would even be a factor. It is obvious that it is time to make a new decision. Why this is so, I have no idea. I am regaining hope though. I feel a bit of energy returning to me, although that could be the weight I gained back from all the anxiety I had. I haven't smoked or drank (in excess... I had a hard ice tea on Saturday) and that is a good sign.

Now I will go... probably to think some more and get a stomach ache most likely. Yeah well, c'est la vie

:: Jane Dee 2:08:00 PM [+] ::
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