Welcome! Enjoy some of the finer pages of online ramblings out there! If you have found this page through BlogSpot, please visit my homepage using the links on the sidebar. Inspired by the certainty of my headaches, "The Headache Diaries" may include my headache log. I also like to log other things such as people, places, and things that I don't like, as well as people, places, and things that I do like.
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At this moment, I feel good enough to post something.
For the past few weeks, I had not felt good. Or I've been extremely busy. Or both. So here's another one of my reverse-but-in-order updates. Hopefully I can remember everything correctly. I hope that soon I can begin to organize my life better and not fall behind on so many things. It seems that it has become difficult to do everyday things. It's probably because this baby is quite demanding. Being a bit OCD doesn't help either. However, I am not being OCD about anything fun, just staying up all the time and changing diapers and feeding. There are many times I want to do something, but I can't or won't because I feel like I have to stay home with the baby. She isn't very fussy, which is good. I just think I have to do everything. The one song that goes through my head quite a bit (and actually the whole album) is "Brainstew" by Green Day, fittingly from the "Insomniac" album.
The way I feel mentally and physically is very similar to how I felt in high school: Tired and high strung. I assume it will get better. Or not. At least I know how to handle it if it goes on for longer. For now, I just deal with this here and there:
June 4: I finish my diapers.
After noticing my discharge has finally come to be brownish instead of red (or should I say BROWNISH not RED), I am down to my last maxi pad, to which I loving call my diapers. They are about the size of T-Bird's diapers. I was hoping I wouldn't have to suffer thorugh another "mega" pack of discharge diapers, and lucky for me, I am slowing my flow at just the right moment. I have a box of pantyliners waiting in the corner that have a special dry liner. Hopefully I will not overflow those. That would suck.
On Friday, T-Bird gets her 1 month well-baby visit. I don't think much is going to happen since she doesn't start getting shots until her second month. I am also going to visit my former coworkers at Thompson Peak. I will be nearby so I figure I can stop by and say hello. Maybe I can actually get a grilled cheese sandwich made my way. I hate getting grilled cheese at Shea because they don't let me change the cheese and they don't burn it for me. Ha, they don't even melt the cheese all the way. I stopped ordering grilled cheese. I only ate there because I was pregnant. I think when I go back to work I will just bring my lunch. I can't even order a turkey burger without them screwing it up. Anyway, I will save my work rants for later. In other news, my mother is finally coming out to visit on Saturday. Hopefully she won't drive me crazy. She is getting in at almost midnight, so I hope TJ won't be too tired to drive with me to get her. Speaking of TJ, he has a few weeks off (non-FMLA) with me in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, that will help me get organized and do things I need to do. Like sleep a bit more.
I still don't eat much. I haven't had an appetite. I haven't lost much weight yet either. I still make milk, but it's dwindling. I don't get more than one ounce a day. I assume I will not be making milk much longer. My mother never made much milk, and didn't make any with me.
June 6: Well-Baby and a visit to Thompson Peak
So the doctor's visit went well enough. I didn't have my usual nurse. Instead I got the murse with eczema. He's okay just kind of neurotic. Anyway, T-Bird impressed the doctor by rolling and picking her head up. In fact, the doctor thought she was two months old... I said "no she is one month" and the Dr. made buggy eyes and looked at her charts and said "oh my gosh she is one month." Ha Ha! Here is T-Bird at the doctor's office, looking good! (notice the length of my nails)
Afterwards, I drove up to Thompson Peak to see some old friends. I actually wanted to visit because I have been feeling sad and lonely. I would rather have someone to talk to, or someone to help me sleep, but seeing some old faces (not in age ha ha) helped me perk up. The cashier knew I was coming and didn't tell anyone else so it would be a surprise. Everyone recognized me and they liked TB (T-bird). Even my old manager came out. I was surprised she was happy to see me. I figured she would be annoyed that I left. Unless she was acting, which could be the case. But at least she was nice, so that's all I care about. I ordered a grilled cheese the way I like it and it was pretty tasty. Then one of the cooks put a hairnet on her head and said "Dishwahser for Liiiife" and did the DW "gang sign" ha ha! Luckily, TB didn't notice. Of course, I know she won't be a dishwasher for life:
After I ate lunch, I fed TB some formula that I got from the obstetrician, "Similac for supplementation" and she didn't like it. I fed her this style before and she was very fussy afterwards, but I figured it would be okay this time since she was older. WRONG! While she was eating it she spit a bunch of it out and when I got home she was very fussy. Little did I know what was to come!
June 8: The mother has landed.
Guess who's here!
Not that TJ has a particular bone to pick with my mother. I just thought that picture was funny.
Anyways, my mother came to visit, as I mentioned, and I was excited to have her stay. She brought me some stuff for TB too. We didn't do much except sit around most of the day, but we did go food shopping. She made some food that I reluctantly ate. Then I was crying. She is pretty deaf, so it is hard to talk to her without yelling. So when it comes to me "expressing my feelings" I always wind up having to yell it out. It doesn't make for a great relief of emotions. It's actually quite frustrating. But I try nonetheless. So I was explaining to her that I am concerned about work. Meaning that I don't know how I am going to have a job and take care of the baby and go to school and do whatever I need to do all at once. I was saying that I would really like to have Wednesdays taken off my schedule but I am not sure if they will do it. I mean they were hinting that they would do it, or were interested in doing that, but I don't know for sure. I mean, every time I go in on Wednesdays, I just wind up doing mostly nothing and the other guy leaves early. And my mother being my mother says "Well, then you can't work Wednesdays, that is the final decision." Huh? Uhm, yes I would love that to be the case, but you can't just assume I will get that. Perhaps I won't get that schedule and they will just say it's all or nothing. So she starts talking about how I will need to get rid of Wednesdays so that is what I will do.... So you can kind of see how it is frustrating to talk to her.
And of course while all this is happening, the baby had diarrhea or something. And this is where my OCD problems come in. Im crying because the baby has pain. And I am assuming it's from the Similac. Every time she poops, she cries like a maniac. She was doing this for two days, and I felt like I was going to faint. Or have a heart attack. Or some other medical condition. She had a bit of blood in her poop, and when TJ told me this (while me and my mother were at the Walmart), I thought I was going to faint. I couldn't even talk. I was a stone statue, hiding my emotions till I got near her of course. Then my mother is like "Oh she won't die, she is just getting rid of something. She will be okay." as I am changing her again. Then TJ comes by and I'm blubbering and he tries to change her and I don't let him and my mother is like "Let him take the baby!" So I reluctantly let him take it and cried into the bed, and my mother is like "She has postparrem (postpartem in her language), you have to give her a lot of support." and all I am thinking is "Ha! Yeah right! I always suffer in silence!"
To look into the future, T-Bird was okay. Not sure if I was. My eyes were puffy the next day from so much crying and staying up. TJ went to work the next day, and T-Bird slept well next to me in the bed as my mother slept in her room. We just hung around all day. She made me fried tilapia, which was much better than I have tasted before. I called my obstetrician to change my appointment because there was too much going on. I was originally going to have the ultrasound, then the obstetrician appointment, then go to the "information session" at Gateway about the concurrent program. They moved the appointment to Wednesday, so I felt better. I bathed T-Bird and got her ready for the next day. The hip ultrasound she was getting is to see if her breech position caused any problems. I picked out a nice outfit for her and even washed my hair. I told my mother to dress well so we don't look like bums. Then everyone else went to bed, except me. I don't really go to bed, I just linger, as I like to call it.
June 10: Ultrasounds like information sessions to me.
Before I go into the days events, I was pleased to see that my discharge has turned a "honey" color. Supposedly, this signifies the end of this lochia nonsense, and my incubator should be almost healed.
Anyways, the day started out as usual: zombie mode. TJ was off to work hours ago and I was getting ready to go to the ultrasound appointment. I dressed up TB in a nice dress and packed her baby bag. My mother got ready and off we went. I wound up having to park in the employee lot because the good parking was full. Well, maybe it's better to park in the employee lot since it's covered? We didn't wait too long and luckily, I didn't see "Wanda":
The ultrasound was relatively normal and they would call us with the results, so we left to go home and eat something before we headed out again to Gateway to go to the information session. I changed T-Bird into something more comfortable and left in a hurry because I thought the meeting started at 1630 not 1600. Well, I drove pretty fast, ahem, but got there on time. Thankfully, my mother was there to watch the baby in the hallway. I had gone to the info session at SCC in May a few days after I came home from surgery, so I was hoping there would be new info at this meeting that pertains to Gateway. I also wanted to ask if the evening or weekend programs apply to the concurrent program or can we only take the traditional classes with the concurrent program. Turns out I CAN take the evening program with the concurrent program and that there is a new partnership with Maricopa (hospital) forming next spring. Apparently, if you are in the CEP program, you can sign up with Maricopa and do most of your clinicals there, and get an interview at the end of the program! I would much rather do this because it is better to do your rotations at one place. They also give you the option of doing some kind of one-on-one supervised capstone project thingy. That would be great if they have some kind of psychiatric thing to do. Well, I don't want to get ahead of myself. But it sounds interesting.
After learning this, I realized I am in an even bigger conundrum. I can't work and go to school at the same time unless I put T-Bird in daycare. Not that I am against daycare (TJ is) but if I don't have a full time job, I won't be able to afford it (meaning my paycheck wont cover it all and I will have to use TJ's money). I had thought that I would go to school during the week and work on the weekends. But now that I know I can go to school in the evening, I would rather just do that than go to school early in the morning when I obviously hadn't slept. It would be infinitely more awesome to alternate with TJ concerning school. And to have a part-time schedule would be extra awesome. If I did the concurrent program, the clinical classes are in person and the rest is online, save the intro class and some class at the end. Gateway had a daycare, but it is for children two years and up. So that leaves me with very few options.
After thinking long and hard, and talking to TJ a bit, I think that doing this program would take priority over working. I do need to work to keep me sane, but I think I would do much better in the program if I didn't work. Kind of like the last time I was doing this, I was working at the kosher supermarket. I had to quit because it was just too much. Once I quit, my grades went to all As. The only thing I keep thinking about is that the hospital will give me tuition reimbursement, and virtually pay for the whole program. However, if I had to use daycare, the $5400 a year or so they give will be less than what I have to shell out for the daycare, thus negating any benefit. Not to mention having to work many hours just to get that money. The type of job I need would have to be "evenings" meaning it would have to start at like, 1600 at least and can go on until 2300 or so. I don't think I am going to find that though. For now, I will keep this job for as long as I can. I will ask to remove Wednesdays. If they don't I am not sure what I will do. TJ said he would come home early, but if has to turn down overtime, he will turn down more money in one hour than I would make in those four! Ha ha! See how this may not be worth it? It seems like the writing is on the wall, unfortunately.
June 11: Time is not on my side.
Apparently I missed my post partum appointment! Helllloooo! It was at 1330 not 1430. Rescheduled for next day.
Tonight my mother flies home. It was nice seeing her and it was nice having her spend time with her granddaughter. I hope to visit NY soon. Like sooner than two years?
June 12: Healing well.
My latest hoo-hoo exam reveals that I am healing well. Okay. What is funny about these visits is that they always ask if you have postpartum depression symptoms. Hmm. Of course I am going to answer no. I am not interested in talk therapy or anti-depressants. I mean, if this is temporary, then who cares. The last thing I need is some chart somewhere talking smack about me to my bosses. No thanks!
June 14: TJ is on "vacation!"
And all he is going to do for the next two weeks is help me! I have my own pet robot!
Of course I will be nice... enough
June 16: I don't sleep?
So I have something of an appetite, but now I don't sleep. Great! What's next?
To distract me, I take pictures. Here is a picture of T-Bird, who is almost as big as Meux Meux now!
Part of this weekend sucked. I was absolutely livid at TJ for doing the unthinkable: disposing good breast milk down the drain. Now usually, I am a rational woman. However, I don't make much milk; I've never made more than 4 ounces in a day. That bottle had only one ounce in it, and that was all I had pumped in two days. So on Friday night, when I came down and saw TJ making a bottle, I said "Is that mine?" and he told me he "accidentally" threw it down the drain... Before I could even say anything, I slapped him in the arm then started yelling at him. How could he do such a thing? And on and on.
Yes, accidents happen. However, saying it was an accident and apologizing doesn't make it better. I didn't talk to him for almost two days. I cried and cried. he said "Forgive me!" and I said "NO!" I had visions of violence and divorce and running away to New York. I said I didn't care anymore. I said I don't care what he does. I cried some more. Then, later on Sunday I said "Okay. I don't feel like killing you anymore." I was honest at least. I really wasn't going to kill him. I also stopped crying.
The problem with TJ is that when he doesn't sleep enough he is totally dysfunctional. He can't even keep a conversation. This is why I don't want him to stay up with the baby during the week: he will crash the truck and die. I can get by with little sleep but he can't. And Friday and Saturday night he stays up, as if I was back at work. So after a long day at work, he has to stay up (past 8pm) and make bottles and such. So after he told me to leave out my milk, he forgets it's mine, throws it out as he is washing all the bottles, doesn't even realize what he did until later when he goes to feed T-Bird... Where's the milk? Oh shit! Now he says he was upset about it all night. I said "I can see your real grief-stricken." Sarcastically of course. I don't like being mad at him, but you have to pay attention to things, even when you think you can't. I did say that if it happens again, I will leave. Not sure I mean that though, but maybe I'll just go on a mini-vacation so I don't strangle him.
My Discharge Is Finally Brown... ish
Well, after much anxiety about bleeding to death, I can finally breathe a bit as my discharge has turned pinky-brown. Meaning its brown with a hint of pink. Hoo-ray! Joyous I will be when this crap stops flowing.
And then in other news, after over TEN YEARS, I finally got a new walkman (mp3 player). This one plays video and shows pictures, so it is a bit more advanced. The bonus is that it actually works with my OS, and I don't have to open up my old Acer using Windows XP to change songs on the player. Double hoo-ray!!