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Okay, now I have something new to complain about: STRETCH MARKS.
Yes. They can come afterwards. And that is exactly what the young man at the Seacret Lotion kiosk told me. I was hoping he was full of shit, but no he was not. I don't have a ton, and they are pretty small, but safe to say that I am feeling pretty gross right about now.
I feel like this:
Am I being ridiculous? Maybe. I had it easy enough during my pregnancy that I should be glad I only have a couple of 1 inch stretch marks. But if you ever get pregnant, you will see how difficult it is to swallow so much. So fast. Your only option is to buck up because you may actually try to take your life.
I can see why Post Partum Depression is so common. It's not hormones. It's having to take every hit and still try to function. You get no sleep, you've gained all this weight, your skin is discolored, you're bleeding, you're crying all the time, you're boobs hurt, or worse, they are infected, and you have this infant who demands your attention 24/7. Your body has been a slave to the fetus and now it is a slave to the infant. You begin to regret having a child, perhaps. And if you have no support from home, whether it is from your spouse or "partner," you will either want to kill someone or yourself. In my case, I wish I knew what the hell it wanted. I guess sometimes it gets "fussy" (well that is a nice way to put it) and I don't know what it wants. Food? No. Diaper? No. Oh I get it: She wants me to hold her all freakin' day. Well, sorry kiddo, my arm is shot. I use a bassinet, stroller, and a swing to hold her. I guess when you have a Cesarean, you cant be lifting things over and over. She was great at first, but now she is getting fussy. Hopefully this is a phase and she will be cute once again:
Until then, I will be a zombie. BTW, my ear hurts and it spread to my head, what does that mean? Am I dying again? I didn't know giving birth meant becoming a hypochondriac. Sigh
Of course I thought this long weekend would be a time to catch up and do the things we need to do around the house. Wrong! Thankfully TJ let me catch up on some sleep, but we were both tired enough not to do anything but move the kitchen trash to the large bin outside.
Well, not entirely. I did manage to go to Walmart and get some milk and frozen fruit. I also bought some colorful cutouts and such to decorate the area around T-Bird's crib. Then I went to the Asian market to get a case of tofu. I was looking for small bamboo spoons, but they didn't have them. They also didn't have the blue Adobo or the vegetable seasoning I need. That place is like shopping in the Caribbean: markets have empty shelves of stuff you want. Well, I am not going to buy stuff I don't want!
I still don't eat (much) and my milk is not going past 4 ounces. I am not sure if my poor appetite is causing that or I just don't make enough anyway. I still pump, but I will never be one of those moms with a frozen stash of milk. I am curious as to how that would be making all that milk.
Other than that, I haven't been bleeding out, thankfully. I barely have any pain at the incision and it is not red. Being able to sleep on my side again has been great. Well, when I can sleep that is. My main complaint is the anorexia, but after talking to TJ, I am feeling better about my future with food. After today, I must brace myself for another week of all-nighters with T-Bird. La de freakin' da!
Well, if I am not bleeding to death, then perhaps I can't eat anymore. My newest problem is anorexia.
My bleeding has actually almost stopped. Is it supposed to do that? Ugh, I don't know. All I know is that no blood is better than tons of blood. Now that I am approaching three weeks postpartum, I should be slowing with the bleeding, but for it to kind of stop is just weird.
Anyways, in all the "new baby" literature you read, there is always something about postpartum depression. Yes, I've been weepy, and tired, and all that. And I always have obsessive thoughts (before baby was even a twinkle in my eyeballs). However, I always like to eat. Now, I can't eat anything. I have to force myself to eat one meal a day. And it's not much of a meal. Just a sandwich. I almost went without eating yesterday, but ate a sandwich. I am not hungry nor do I have an appetite.
Combined with being weepy and I feel like I'm 19 all over again! Of course, I was miserable back then and I hated every moment. I don't particularly hate every moment now, but I do think back to points in my life and say how terrible my life is/was. Not that this is anything new to me. I do that all the time. So I can't really say I have depression. I'm kind of always depressed! The only truly new and disturbing symptom is not eating. What is funny, is when I went to my last doctor's appointment, the nurse asked me if I was eating the extra 500 calories to make milk, amounting to at least 2000 calories a day. I laughed and said "NO. I can't eat anything." She says I must "for the baby." Well, no shit! I know "must" but there is a difference between knowing what I am supposed to do and being able to do it. Well, I have not been consuming 2000 calories a day. I would be lucky if I was eating 800. I might be. But it is definitely not over 1000.
I talked to TJ about it last night. He says I should call my doctor. I said "there isn't a pill for anorexia." My best guess is that my brain is reacting to something traumatic, as if I was in a car accident, and is shutting off my appetite. TJ thinks its all the blood loss and I am reacting to it. I would have to agree. It was after all that bleeding that I didn't want to eat beef anymore. Then it just led to all food. I want food, but I don't want to eat it.
When I "woke up" this morning, I decided to make this anorexia work for me. Since I make myself eat something here and there, I will just have to eat high fat and protein so I don't dissolve my muscles. The stupid thing about not eating is that you'll lose weight, but your muscles get eaten away. So in the end you're kind of fatter. When I lost weight this time, I was very lean. That was from eating fats and protein. Kind of like an Atkins diet, but not doing the induction phase.
But since I have no idea what will happen to me next week, who knows if this idea will work out. I haven't been able to produce much milk (4oz at most per day) and without eating, I only pumped about 18ml (a little more than half an ounce) today. Hopefully, if I eat fatty foods, the supply will go up. Otherwise, I will suffer the fate of my mother and just have dry boobs. She was only able to give milk t my sister for a short while, and I had none. Maybe with a second kid, I will have none? I guess there is no point in thinking about that now. One kid at a time; One boob at a time.
Last week, my postpartum bleeding had slowed. This past weekend, it revved up and was literally leaking out of me. Am I bleeding to death?
Well, despite my anxiety and thoughts of death, I made it to the pediatrician to give T-Bird her second heel poke to check for PKU (phenylketonuria). The mean old doctor or nurse takes this poke-y device (kind of like a blood sugar poker thing) and uses it on the heel of innocent babies to draw their blood. Of course T-Bird did not appreciate this at ALL, and cried so loud, fists pumping and everything. I said to the nurse "Yeah. That's similar to how I react when I get a shot." Of course, she thought that was hilarious. Anyways, poor T-Bird was so upset she pooped her diapers. That doesn't happen to me when I get a shot, but sometimes I pass out when I get more than one at a time.
So when I came home, I was still bleeding. A lot. I mentioned it to TJ and he said to call the doctor. I told him I could have sworn they told me I would bleed for quite a few weeks, but I wasn't sure. I texted one of my coworkers from the kitchen who had 2 c-sections and she said she bled for about six weeks. Okay, maybe I was overreacting? Well it seemed that every time I took some iron to compensate for my blood loss, MORE blood comes out. The problem with this blood is that it is bright red, meaning new. So all day and night, I thought I was going to die.
The next day I saw no stopping in my bleeding. I called the doctor and they called me back. Apparently, lochia (the postpartum juice) can "ebb and flow" and go from bright red to dark red in the process. They also told me that if I am breastfeeding, then expect to bleed longer. (Funny, I thought breastfeeding helps you stop bleeding) Lochia can be pretty heavy I suppose before it actually is a hemorrhage. This page does a good job at showing what "soaking a pad in an hour" looks like. So apparently, I did not have that, and I was very happy to know that I was not bleeding to death.
This week, I plan to take it easy, meaning I will do nothing. Now that all the doctor appointments are out of the way and most of the shopping is done, I can rest. Well, as much as the baby will let me. If I don't update again, then I guess I bled out.
The last time I wrote, I was sitting around "resting" and finally on FMLA. Well, a lot has happened since Cinco de Mayo (May 5) so I will just go in chronological order instead of backwards like I normally do.
May 6, 2014: Why does my back hurt?
The night of May 5th I had some back pain. It wasn't terrible, but it kind of hurt. I figured it was just all the weight I was carrying since everyone kept asking me if my back was hurting. Well it wasn't hurting up until that night. When I went to bed, I felt a little ill. I thought I was coming down with something so I didn't pay much attention. The next day I had a doctor appointment so I would let them know I wasn't feeling good. I had rested all weekend since I officially took my leave, so I figured I was just exhausted. TJ thought I was about to burst, and it sure did feel that way.
That night, I got up more than usual. And I actually had to poop. And that is what kind of tipped me off that something wasn't right. I actually thought that I could be gearing up for labor. But I dismissed it because it's just poop. While TJ was getting ready, I had a feeling that he should drive himself to work. I had been driving him so I wouldn't feel so lonely, but this time, I thought that he may need the car because something might "happen" to me. I ignored that and drove him to work. I didn't tell him my back hurt since I thought it was nothing. When I came back home, which was around 0500, I sat at the computer as usual and my back started to ache again. I thought it was no big deal because I was 172 pounds and near the due date. However, the pains started to feel like a contraction. Or a spasm of sorts. I thought to myself "Did I eat something bad?" It kind of felt like I had ate something contaminated except the pain wasn't in my guts, it was in my back. I ignored it for another hour or so and then started to realize the spasms were coming in distinct time frames. Surely, this was not a contraction. I timed the spasms and they were five minutes apart. So I went online and looked up labor pains and back labor, and sure enough, I only found that back labor is not real labor, real labor is on the front yadda yadda. Okay, fine. I sat there and then when it was time to get ready, I took a shower. I felt miserable, like I was sick. I took a long hot shower to try to ease my back. It worked okay for a while, so I got dressed. As I got dressed I just had this feeling that I should pack my bag because I thought I was in labor. I said "well the 'internet' said I can't be so I must be wrong!" and just ignored it even though I had a real suspicion I was in labor. I figured I can let them know at the doctor's office and they can figure it out. Since everyone said the first child takes a long time to come out, I should have plenty of time to get my stuff later. So I got ready and went to the doctor's office. I drove there and felt worse. When I got there, I went to the bathroom to leave a sample and the phone rings. UGH! Of course it's "Wanda" the annoying supervisor. She left a message that she didn't get any FMLA stuff and she doesn't know how to code my time card. Well guess what? I DON'T EITHER! Just use PTO or whatever, I don't care. Gee whiz. Anyways, I went to the secretary to have her fax over the new FMLA dates and she said she had done that already but she did it again because I told her my supervisor can't find it. I called the Benefits office and they said they had it so I don't know what else to do. Whatever
When they called me back, they asked "How are you doing?" and I just shook my head. I felt awful. When I got to the room, I said "I think I am having contractions" and they hooked me up to the non-stress machine. Sure enough, I was contracting. I told them where it was and all they said that and the nurse practitioner was going to feel around down there to see what is going on. When she poked around she said "You are completely effaced.... and it seems you are 2 centimeters dilated." I said "I don't know what that means." and she said "You are in labor." Of course I'm like "hmmmmm" and she says "you have to go to the hospital now." I said "well can't it wait, I mean, it won't come out now..." Everyone there is looking at me like I'm crazy. I said "Well, I'm not going until my husband gets here." And so I said I could be at hospital in an hour or so.
I called TJ and said "Where are you." He says he's on his route, and I say "No, where on the planet are you, your location." He was about 30 minutes from the airport, as was I, so I told him to drive that truck back to the ramp because I'm in labor! We met up at the airport at about the same time and went over to the hospital. I drove us there (even though TJ was like WHY ARE YOU DRIVING!!??) and walked in. TJ says "Hi, my wife is in labor." So we get wheeled up to the maternity wing. I check in and get in a special little room. They are starting to ask me all kinds of questions and I try my best to answer, but my contractions are getting crazy! Apparently in that hour, I dilated to 3cm. They poke me with IVs and shave my cooch and I'm flipping out because the pain is getting intense. And I'm bleeding and naked, and poor TJ is in his Fedex uniform, putting scrubs over them. I asked him later if he EVER thought he would be there for the birth of his child in his FEDEX UNIFORM. Someone made a joke about delivery and Fedex but I can't remember how it went. I was too focused on my contractions. The anesthesiologist came in and said this will be nothing, I will heal fast blah blah, so I grilled him on his surgery in between contractions. Okay, maybe he is right. All I know is that he better not paralyze me when he sticks that huge needle in my spine!
Once I was all prepped, my doctor came in and asked if I could let a student watch. I let him since the people in the hospitals in St. Vincent let me watch them. I was actually hoping a student would be there. Don't waste the opportunity! Anyways, They wheeled me into the O.R. and I was yelling from the contractions. TJ was scrubbing up outside and he was saying "What are you doing to her??" and they said "It's just the contractions!" Well, I was trying to curl my back to do the epidural, but man, those contractions were coming faster and harder. All I could do was writhe. He tried to puncture it once and I yelled... bad timing! Contractions! So I said "Wait... okay now!" I curled up and he stabbed me and I yelped, but it cause a major contraction and all I could say was "AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" and my doctor is like "BREATHE! BREATHE!" and I'm breathing and heaving and spitting up, and she goes "That is the last contraction you will feel!" and she was right.
They helped me lie down and my legs started to get warm and tingly. It felt like they were asleep with that "pins and needles" feeling. One of the nurses was trying to put in the catheter and I felt this warm gush come out of me and her saying "huh?" I said "Did I just pee on myself?" and she says "Her water just broke!" and I was like "huh?" So they cleaned me up but all I could feel was a slight numb feeling. I could still feel stuff, just not pain. They then took my arms and put them on these arm rests, kinda like your in a crucified position. I was shaking, but I couldn't tell if I was cold or nervous or just shaking from whatever. I kept asking "Am I cold?" A few minutes had passed and TJ came in finally. I said "Did they start yet?" and TJ said "They already cut your stomach, I'm filming now." So, TJ filmed with my phone (since I didn't bring my camera because I ignored my thoughts of being in labor) as he sat near my head. Every now and then I felt a terrible sensation. Not pain, but my body didn't like it. I looked at the anesthesiologist and shook my head while saying "No! No!" and he would say "You're doing fine!" in between his text messaging, and then I'd start to shake. Apparently, when I would feel like that, they were doing something crazy like inserting some metal object in my abdomen to stretch it out. TJ said there was blood spilling out everywhere. I am glad he was able to stomach it and keep filming! Then I felt this really awful feeling, and I started yelling. And that is when they pulled the baby out. Almost immediately, you can hear her cry. I was crying. I don't know why though. When I heard her voice I felt better. The nurses were all like "Oh how cute!" or something. TJ then showed me the baby and she had little blue hands and feet and a look on her face that said "WTF is going on?" Well, she is definitely my kid then!
They took the baby to the table to check it out and it was doing fine. It was crying a bit, and TJ went over to film the baby instead of them stitching me up. It was good they told him to do that because you can't really see any detail on the camera phone. So they were measuring its head and all that and gave it some erythromycin and a vitamin K shot and her face was priceless. You can watch my "birth" video here: (not gory)
When the surgery was completed, I was rolled out of the O.R. to some other room. After that, it is a blur. I must have had some of the morphine or whatever go to my brain because I was there, but not. I could hear everything and my eyes were kind of open, but I couldn't really respond. The nurses were getting concerned, as they were asking if I had any medications. TJ said it must have been what you gave her, and they said they didn't give me anything. They asked the anesthesiologist and he said he gave me nothing. TJ said they were asking me if I wanted to hold the baby but was not answering. I don't remember much from that time, but I do know they transferred me to my bed in my room. In my hospital, you get a private room! That was nice because I could bleed in peace. Check out the room; makes you want to go there huh?
Towards the end of the day, I was nauseous and couldn't move the head of the bed up too quickly. I was bleeding quite a bit, but I wasn't in much pain. The catheter wasn't too bothersome, but that damn IV in my wrist was very annoying. TJ stayed with me all night and the baby was in the room with me all night. I was breastfeeding her, but she was definitely making my boobs hurt. It was not a great night for sleep, as the medical people kept coming in every two minutes and I was itchy as hell, which I later learned is from the epidural. They were going to let me take benedryl for that, but benedryl sucks because it just puts me to sleep. So I said "nah" and just kept rubbing lotion on me. The bed I slept in was awful. I could feel the bar under the mattress and it didn't go low enough for a short person like myself to get in and out of comfortably. Oh well. Day one was over!
Click here for some video
May 7 - 9, 2014: I Live In The Hospital
The next day I was starving. I ordered breakfast as soon as it was available (probably around 0500) and gobbled everything down when it came. I was disappointed with the potatoes. They weren't even cooked all the way and they weren't browned. Pfft. The bacon was wiggly too. I ate everything though. I ordered TJ some English muffins and we split the coffee. Everyday we were there we were constantly interrupted when we were eating to do checks and more checks. Yes, I understand I may get an infection, but let me eat first for chrissakes. Anyways, the bed was so uncomfortable I just started to get up. When the nurses saw that they were like "do you need pain stuff??" and "are you in pain??" And I wasn't really. I was like "no, why, should I be?" I guess it was really shocking for them to see me winding around the room without pain meds. They said I have oxycodone waiting for me, and I said "I do?" I never used it. They gave me a shot of tramadol through my IV the day before so I said that must be enough. They were seriously confused. Was I supposed to be in pain?
Every two hours nurses would come in and do their uterus check: press on my stomach to see where the uterus is. Since I was breastfeeding, it was shrinking fast. Or so they said. They also kept asking if I needed pain meds and what is my pain level. I said "2" and they had some interesting expressions. They asked if I have high pain tolerance I said "maybe" but I wasn't tolerating any pain, I just wasn't having any pain. The only thing bothering me was that stupid IV in my wrist. And my nipples. Ouch!
By the third day, my nips were bruised. The night before, the baby, who I hadn't named yet, had fed for almost an hour on one boob and 20 minutes or so on the other. They were noticeable bruised, like black and blue. Overnight, she tried to feed again, but I couldn't do it, it hurt so much. I asked for formula, and the nurses were like "Are you sure you are okay with that?" and I said "Get me some formula, she's hungry!" so they got me some. I was perplexed as to their resistance, but hey, my boobs were out of commission! I was formula raised, and I turned out okay. I know there are some people out there who will do anything to avoid formula, including starve their babies, but I am not one of them. Formula is just fine and my boobs had to heal. I can try again later, what is the big deal? Well, a bit later on, after much questioning, the nurses brought in the breast pump. She showed me how to use it and cranked it up. In 15 minutes I was able to pull out 15ml of colostrum from each boob. However, my nips were now bleeding. I was in quite a bit of pain and my frustration was growing. The third day I just lost patience and said "NO MORE!" I didn't want any more nurses bugging me with checks. I was doing fine, the baby had all her tests done, and I was tired, exhausted, and now I was in pain. I didn't pump or breastfeed, I just fed her formula, and that was that.
The second and third day was no picnic for the baby either. Every hour, it seemed, nurses, state representatives, hearing people, and whoever else was coming into the room and poking at her. She would just fall asleep and they would sure enough come in and wake her up and make her cry. UGHHH!! I was so exhausted and I was telling TJ "How do they expect me to heal when they keep interrupting me and her over and over??" He was also pretty annoyed as he wasn't getting much sleep either. His brother came to visit on the third day, which was nice. Tj's parents were supposed to visit, but they went to the wrong hospital and then decided it was too much to just drive up another 7 miles to the right hospital. His parents, or his dad I should say, are weird like that. I guess i was okay with it anyways. I was in no shape to have visitors.
I also couldn't eat anymore. Apparently, the epidural is a narcotic and narcotics cause constipation. So I hadn't gone in a couple days and that added to my frustration as well. I told that to the nurse and she said that some people "don't go for a week" when they are in here. Well, that certainly wasn't music to my ears. After I finally was able to go, they gave me a stool softener. Better late than never, although it did help me go more.
My doctor also visited me a couple of times, I think the second and third day. She was surprised to see me up and about without much pain. I said I felt "stiff" but not really pain. She said I looked fantastic. HA HA! No, I looked totally bloated and felt like a water balloon. The funny thing was that when I "came to" after they transferred me to the bed, I saw I had the "leg pumpers," or SCDs (sequential compression device) on my legs. It is funny, because my job entails me putting on and removing these devices all day. They put these on people who had knee or hip replacements so they don't get clots in their legs. Apparently, having a c-section increases your blood clot factor by some number, so you have to wear these to prevent them. Well, I didn't really need them after the first day because that bed was so uncomfortable that I couldn't lie there all day anyway. They did feel good the first day, but they became annoying after the second day because of my itchy skin. So I removed them because I was walking around enough, I thought. Everyone kept asking if I had leg pain, and the answer was always no. I did have a headache from not getting enough sleep and everyone bothering me, but they never asked that question.
After the doctor saw me the second day, she said I could get discharged early. YES! I was supposed to stay until SATURDAY, but because I am doing so great, I could leave Friday morning. She was kind of hinting that I could leave Thursday night, but I didn't want to argue with anyone since my nips were in pain and I was constipated and sleep deprived. I just let it go to Friday morning. And Thursday night, the nurses finally got the message to leave me the hell alone and I actually had some peace. I didn't sleep because the baby, who was now named, but I will call her T-Bird here, didn't feel like sleeping much. Whatever. As long as people weren't annoying me left and right, I was okay.
Friday morning, I was excited to leave but scared because I was going to be on my own. Luckily for me T-Bird was perfectly healthy, even though she came 15 DAYS early. She had no jaundice or other problems and the pediatrician discharged her that morning. Her hips even seemed fine, even though she was breech. She had a great appetite, pooped a ton, and had a good response to stimuli. So even though she was great, I was still scared. Well, we still had to pack up and leave. The nurse gave us more diapers, formula, bottles, nipples, and boob gel. I was appreciative because I had not got around to buying diapers and formula and all that because I thought I had a couple more weeks left. Well, I guess not! That is also why I hadn't had a name for her yet. I was still deciding and thought I had time left! Nope! Anyways, we packed up and was discharged. TJ got to push the "Lullabye" button on the way out. This button plays the lullabye song all over the hospital to announce a birth. It's funny because I was anticipating that for a while now. I would be at work and hear the song and think "Ha! That will play for my kid soon." Well, that time had come faster than I anticipated, but it was fun to hear it for my own kid. I also go my "goodie bag" on the way out. TJ came around with the car, and car seat installed at the last minute. It was a weird ride home, especially knowing there was a new human in the back seat. I did dress her up for her exit. I figured one of use should be since I had no clothes, I just re-wore what I came in with, ha ha!
May 9 - 19, 2014: Healing, Schedules, Rhythm, and Blues
In the days after I left the hospital, I had to cope with some "stiffness," as I call it, not pain really. Even so, the house was a complete disaster and I had no strength to clean it. I didn't want TJ To take FMLA so I was pretty much stuck in a mess. Before I gave birth, my mother told me to sleep with the baby in a separate room so TJ can sleep and be okay for work. I had something like that in mind, and that is pretty much what I have been doing. We put T-Bird down in her crib when we go to bed, but within 20 minutes, she starts fussing and I take her to my room, aka my "office." At first, I only had a swinger, so I had to stay up the whole night so she didn't suffocate in the fluffy stuff. I was waiting on my bassinet, which was taking forever to arrive. Once it arrived, I was able to nap on the futon while she slept in the bassinet:
This arrangement has been pretty good so far, at least for me. TJ seems to get enough sleep although he says he has been tired at work. I still get up with TJ and make his lunch and breakfast, and when he leaves I fix up the baby and when she naps, I nap. This method will become harder once I go back to work, but luckily I don't have to think about that for a while. The first few tries were hard, especially when the bassinet wasn't in yet. We were lucky enough to have some formula and diapers from the hospital, and we used those up within a few days. I also had some diapers a friend at work gave to me as a baby gift before I transferred to the Shea campus. She also gave me a ton of other stuff like a diaper bag, bottles, wipes, onesies, and more. I just got through the diapers and almost done with the wipes.
Even though I was out of the hospital, I wasn't ready to rest yet! I still had follow-ups with doctors and tons of stuff I had to buy. TJ said I should rest but who was going to buy what we needed? I hadn't gone food shopping in forever and I still had to buy stuff for the baby. Well, I tried to take it easy, but that just wasn't happening. The first few days out my stomach felt like a bowl of Jell-O. This meant that every bump in the road was accompanied by my stomach sloshing around everywhere. That was pretty uncomfortable. My first stop was the obstetrician. They took off my surgical tape and asked me questions about postpartum depression and all that. They said my scar looked great (or as great as a scar can look) and that I seemed to be doing well. They gave me some formula samples and I booked an appointment for a month later. I went shopping afterwards to get some baby stuff and food. I was still very tired. Then a day or so later I had a pediatric appointment. The pediatrician was shocked I drove myself and all that, and surprised I was doing so well after a c-section. Okay, I am not knowledgeable of what women do after c-sections, so I am perplexed as to why everyone keeps saying "are you sure you had a c-section?" Am I supposed to be writhing in pain? I was thinking "Hmm, maybe my doctor severed all my nerves? That must be why I don't feel anything!" But then I figured "Well, maybe she just did a really good job?" I don't know what to say.
Anyway, Although I wasn't "in pain" I certainly wasn't the epitome of energy. I was pretty tired and really didn't know how to fix it. I was still bleeding (or actually it was lochia) and it was making me nervous. By the time I went to my second pediatric appointment, I was bleeding more than I was a few days prior. I was very anxious on that day, and the next day I called my doctor to ask if this is normal. Apparently it is, especially if you are breastfeeding. Funny, I thought breastfeeding made you heal faster. Well, I also thought I was overdoing it, so after that last appointment, I didn't have to go back there for another month. I was happy that I would finally get to rest.
TJ helped me clean up my room a bit so I could lay out on the futon, and he bought me salami to eat because I hadn't had an appetite for much. In fact, when I went to my doctor, I was asked "Are you eating the 500 extra calories to make milk?" and I laughed. I said "I'm not eating much period." I also had some nausea but nothing to crazy. Since I have 6 weeks left to my FMLA (but I can add 4 more), I plan to take it VERY EASY so I don't bleed like that again. Then once that heals, I shall begin to shed whatever pounds are left on me. At this point, there are a lot of pounds to shed.
Well, this about sums up my two weeks in the birthing world. I do remember something funny: A few days before I went into labor, I called my doctor to ask something and was put on hold. This was the song that played (at about 2:00):
I think it's some form of subliminal messaging, don't you think?
One week after my eligibility, I'm out! However, my anxiety builds as I approach my dreadful surgery.
My last scan gave me good results: I have successfully filled my sac with fluids. Hooray!
Now I can't say my experience went well. The stupid place I went to charged me the $50 copay because "they are a specialist" and I argued with them that I am not "high-risk" who said that? Anyways, this place told the insurance that I am high risk, and so the insurance was freaking out and thought that I was seeing them because I was high risk. No, my doctor sent me there because she doesn't have a sonographer on Thursday or Friday. Ugh. Well, I wound up paying the $50 (but rest assured I will call them back since the insurance woman claims I should get my money back if I'm not high-risk... How do you think that will pan out?) and did this long ass sonogram. Meanwhile, my doctor just ordered a short fluid check. See how these doctors like to scam people? And they claim it is the insurance companies. No. It is the greedy doctors. This jerk took advantage of a situation and extended what was supposed to be a 15 minute sonogram into a 40 minute plus sonogram. I pay $50 for nothing. Well, I will call my insurance and describe my displeasure and then ask "and who is supposed to give me my money back?" And what will she say? No one.
In any case, I have regained fluids, even though the retard I saw at the scam place claims I can't possibly regain fluids that fast just by resting and drinking water; it had to be because the people at my doctors office don't know how to read sonograms. Right. Well, at work, I was very "leaky" and I would soak through my pads. Since I have been off work, I have barely wet my pad. Explain that Guido! (That doctor is Italian) This is why I don't want to go to "man" doctors for "woman-y" things: they are scientific, but there are things that women know because they know them. Not everything in life has a scientific explanation or rationale. There are things that work for whatever the reason. I know he thinks he is all that but I don't see why this can't be a possibility. So he said I could go back to work, and I said I was leaky at work, and he kind of scoffed. Humph. Well, I'm glad he ain't delivering my kid. TJ wanted me to walk out of there when we walked in, but I really wanted them to see fluids. I should have listened to him... again. Ugh! Well anyways, I called my doctor the next day and she said I could go back to work but I have to be careful, so I said "I don't want to risk it again, let me start FMLA now" and she agreed.
So I am off for three months. I hope that will be enough time to heal from my shitty surgery. I will be in major pain because after the morphine (or whatever good stuff they give me) wears off or prescription I finish, I will not be taking any advil or tylenol. I stopped taking those things because I am sure I have already damaged my liver and kidneys and I need to save what is left. I will just have to watch movies like "Gladiator" to inspire me to work through the pain. I have had oral surgery to remove some impacted wisdom teeth many moons ago and that shit was painful. I think I was taking advil for three months. I thought I was getting addicted to advil, but eventually the pain subsided. What is funny is that I was supposed to get antibiotics, but I never filled the prescription. Whoops. Luckily, I didn't get an infection, but I will definitely take antibiotics this time. The last thing I need is a huge infection in my abdomen.
So this is going to be tough as hell. I am still enrolled in that pathophysiology class, which starts on May 29 or something. I am keen on the drop date, which I may be utilizing given all my issues at this time. I have no idea how any of this will turn out so all I can do is hope for the best. Hope for a smooth surgery, hope for little pain, hope for quick healing, and hope for a well-behaved baby. Oh yeah, and I have the "concurrent program info session" the day before my surgery. Great! I was hoping to have been able to go to the one in April, but my supervisor was like "oh no! we have so many people off!" so I just said "okay I won't go." Well, hopefully, it will take my mind off of what I will have to be doing the next day. Of course, it culd also just cause me more anxiety.
Today I am "resting" and such. I really do hate sitting around though. I want to shop for baby stuff but I did that last wek and almost dropped. I can't do a shopping stint for two hours. I might be able to go in one hour chunks. I do need to get a few things but I will have to see. I wanted to use the Jazzy at Walmart the last time I was there, but all the obese people were using them up. Thanks! Maybe next time I can use it, otherwise, I can't stay long at all.
Now I have to go and eat. I am pretty hungry. Or is the baby hungry? (oh excuse me, I mean the "fetus") Well, in either case, my stomach is on fire!