Welcome! Enjoy some of the finer pages of online ramblings out there! If you have found this page through BlogSpot, please visit my homepage using the links on the sidebar. Inspired by the certainty of my headaches, "The Headache Diaries" may include my headache log. I also like to log other things such as people, places, and things that I don't like, as well as people, places, and things that I do like.
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So now that it is the last day of the year, I have decided to recap what the hell I had done. Not that I really want to, or that anyone will care what I think about my year, but just because I like to chronicle crap like this. That way, in a few years I can look back and go "oh geez."
I will start backwards. Like starting from today. Today I took some time in the morning to reflect on my values and what I want. Let me tell you that the conclusions are not awesome. Here are some things that I realize... Oh and by the way, if anyone gets offended, good! You know what? I don't care. Why? Because if I am offending you, that means you attitude towards me ain't all that anyways. Okay so here we go:
(1)I realize that I seek out things too much. Huh? What? Yes. First, I am always seeking out people. I call people. I ask them to hang out. What happens? Either they are too busy or they just want me to drive them around. Nice, thanks! I drive thousands of miles just to have to weasel my way in to see people. Oh I'm sorry! I must have forgot I have to make enormous efforts to see people. I'd like to emphasize certain family members with this one. Well, at least my mother wants to see me.
I also seem to seek out "things," namely careers. You know what I learned? That since I can't be a pilot, nothing matters to me. Yup. TJ helped me figure that one out. What I learned is that ever since I knew I couldn't be a pilot, I could care less about school and careers, etc.. Why should I? So I have been on this never-ending ride of trying to find a "career" when in fact I could care less about having one... unless I'm a pilot. Okay so that is a big thing! More on that in subsequent paragraphs.
So the conclusion for part 1 is that I am only buying Christmas gifts for certain people. I'm scratching certain people off my list forever. Until I see some effort into holiday crap, I am not initiating anything. I am also not going to tell anyone that I am coming to visit anymore. Maybe I will, but I am not initiating anything anymore. Done! So read that people!!! Winter, spring, summer or fall, if I visit, you may never know. I think my frustration level will drop significantly doing this method.
(2) I'm going to "go with the flow" from now on. What I mean by that takes into account the second part of part 1. Here I am, wasting my life trying to do things that make other people happy, meanwhile I am not happy. So you know what I am going to do? NOTHING! I am only going to go with things that flow, following the flow the good Lord will provide. I officially don't care about anything anymore. I am not about to try anything new or "see what happens" for the sake of something I don't think will benefit me or don't care about 100%. That means I will not go to school for any other reason besides doing it to make me HAPPY (so that means school is not at the front of my mind), I will not take any jobs I don't want to take, I will not volunteer to do anything that I am not happy doing, etc., etc.. I am way too old to be screwing around with things that take my time away from me being happy. Yup!
So the rest of my day consisted of me being mad about the things I have done. Namely Caribbean school. If there is some life lesson to be learned, it is this: Life changing events should not be peppered with doubt. If there is one iota of doubt about something that can alter the course of your life forever, that means don't do it. So when I felt uneasy about moving to the Caribbean, I should have listened. Now I know some people, like myself, will say "Yeah but you'll never know until you try!!" YES THAT IS TRUE BUT... what are you trying to know? Are you trying to know if this endeavor is going to work out? Well... IT WONT! Why? Because YOU DOUBT IT! And that is that. I learned this and you should too.
IT's kind of when I was younger, like early 20s, when I would "get a feeling" and ignore it because it was stupid to feel that way. Then something bad would happen and I would wind up saying "why didn't I listen to myself, blah, blah, blah..." I learned to listen to myself, and bad things stopped happening to me. Now I have to apply this to doubt. I have to say "If this is a huge decision and I have doubt, I should figure out why I have doubt, and if it is possible to correct it." If that is not possible, then SCREW IT. Trust me. You may think I am an asshole and I don't know anything, but so far my life has been pretty good. I have made the mistake for you! Your job is easy now. Example: You want to buy a house, but you are slightly uneasy about having your baby daddy on the deed. What to do? Either don't put him on the lease or don't buy a house with him. Very simple. Example: You want to have a career, but you are already pretty good at logistics, and even like it. You then put in years of work to get into medical school and are rejected. You think about Caribbean school and think its a good idea, but there is some doubt about it that you can't place. What do you do? NOT GO. You either figure out what is wrong and get comfortable with the idea or do something else. Simple! Hooray!
This whole month I had been "reflective" on stupid shit I had done. One good example is dating that idiot from Oklahoma. What was that about?? Who knows. I can't even pull out anything good other than I stayed with him longer than I liked him for so I could break up with him and make him cry. So success to me on that part. Yeah you heard me. I PLANNED IT. Anyway, I had been pretty "nostalgic" about my life and wondered why things happened like they did. Safe to say that was a useless way to spend time. I figured that perhaps I should ask myself how I can "learn" from these events so that I don't waste more time in the future:
First, I thank God I am married. This alone cuts out a lot of crap from my life.
Okay, so I realized that I don't like school. I mean, I KNEW that, but I never admitted it. So now I am admitting it. I don't like school. Okay there. Now, what to do with this information? First, I plan to NOT go to school. Okay, no I plan to go, maybe, but for specific reasons I will mention soon. Anyway, I am not going to school to do something I don't think I will like 100%. Or that I don't think is awesome. So that means that I will only go to school if it means I will learn something useful or that I will enjoy what I am learning. Obviously, this does not apply to medical school. Medical school is in fact the opposite of fun and enjoyment. I think it is a modern torture chamber actually. Very boring. Just a shitload of memorizing stuff and that's it. Yup. If you think you like school, try medical school. You just might change your mind!
Now that I officially don't like school, what do I do? What will my job be? Answer: WHO CARES. Yup. Who cares. You know what I am going to do? I am going to get a driving job and that is that. If I like it, I will go to MBA school for supply chain. If I don't like it, I will think about something else, all while saying "WHO CARES???" Because let me tell you something: if most people in my life can't even make an effort to visit me for the holidays, they certainly could care less about what I do to make money.
I also learned that I like to work with my hands. Again, I knew this but I have to put it into effect. No more "science" crap. Look I like science but I am not going to devote my life to that chit. No. My IQ score actually comes from my almost genius level spatial and logic skills. What can I do with that? I don't know. Drive maybe.
I admit that I like to manipulate things. THINGS not people! Hello. I mean that I like to work with my hands to create things and make things or fix things. Pfft.
I would love to fly. I am considering trying to go back to getting my pilot's license again. I will have to save for a few years to pay for it, but I think it may be worth it since I can finally say "I AM A ______ AND I LOVE IT!!" If I get a decent job, I will consider this an option.
I learned that I don't do well living in third world countries by myself. The isolation and blahhhh get to me after a few weeks.
I also learned that I do not like being away from TJ too long. Call me needy or whatever, but that is the truth. Props to all of those who say "I can't go to Carib school cuz it's too far from everyone." IT'S TRUE. I couldn't do it. No matter how nice the school or the island is, I just can't do it. Too bad for me I guess. If you are able to be away from your spouse, I guess that is good for you. I can't.
So now that I know that I can't be away from TJ, I know that I can't "go away for school" or get some job where I don't see him by the end of two weeks. That seems to be my maximum. Which is good for a driving job. Unless we do teams. Then we will be together non-stop. Something to consider.
This last paragraph is going to be on nothing. In fact, I am tired if writing about this ridiculous year. I am just glad it is over. I only have good things to look forward to. Yeah, seriously. I know there are some nut jobs out there who think their life is over because they can't do medical school or whatever. HA HA! Wow! Okay think of this: there are almost six BILLION people on this Earth. Most of them do not know you. So think about all the people who do not give a crap about you. Those people could care less if you get into med school or become a doctor. They have ten kids and have to get water 5 miles away. You on the other hand live in a nice house or apartment and have a car, ave running water and have birth control pills. And you also probably throw out half of the turkey for Thanksgiving because its the "yucky" part. If you went to this person with your problem about not getting into medical school they would be very confused. Now tell them you want to end your life because you didn't get in or whatnot and they will probably laugh.
Okay I'm sorry, you feel bad. Well, now think of all the people that DO care about you. Yes, all six of them. Now do you think they think you are a loser because you didn't get into med school? If your answer is "yes" you need a new family. The answer should be "no!" They would rather you work in MacD's than kill yourself because you didn't get into Cunningham Medical School on St. Roger's Island near Myanmar. I am serious. So if any losers want to come on here and write that I am a this and a that because I left med school blah blah, go suck a dick because I don't care. There are so many things in life worth more than going to school that you cannot convince me that I had made a grave error. Yes it's sad, I would have liked to have completed it, but I am not going to kill myself over this. My motto is "I would rather kill you than kill myself." There is no one on this planet who can make me feel low enough to kill myself. What is more likely to happen is that I will become very annoyed and kill you. That way you will shut up. So if anyone out there is sad about school and wants to kill themselves, please know that there is always another place to move to, another job to have, and even another family to have. If someone sucks, just throw them away with the cat litter and start again.