:: The Headache Diaries ::

:: The Headache Diaries ::

Welcome! Enjoy some of the finer pages of online ramblings out there! If you have found this page through BlogSpot, please visit my homepage using the links on the sidebar. Inspired by the certainty of my headaches, "The Headache Diaries" may include my headache log. I also like to log other things such as people, places, and things that I don't like, as well as people, places, and things that I do like.

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:: 7.21.2004 ::

I think I wet myself... Anyone have a napkin?

Okay, what was I going to say about wetting myself... oh yes, it's about realizing stuff.

As I sit here, ideas loom in my brain. If it were hotter, I'd definately be doing something fun (wow, I said fun... this is a positive sign) like cycling past the pier or finding a cool place to play handball. Maybe I will go to the beach afterall. Well, in any case, my brain is having a nice time coming back to life. Little by little it is feeding me things that inspire as well as get me thinking. It's kind of fun to actually feel that rush of excitement come over me when I realize something new. No, I don't literally wet my pants, but sometimes these realizations are just that powerful.

Let's take for example, my deep thought about what I want. When I "suddenly" realized that I should go to school and do what sounds the most enjoyable, the most applicable to something I can relate to, I was flabbergasted. Something as stupid and "obvious" as that seemed to be the revelation of a lifetime. The only problem I had was "well, what about my lifelong "dream" to teach college algebra?" Little did I know that you can be an adjunt and get paid good money to teach part time or whatever, all with a mere bachelors degree. I think at that moment I may have wet myself a little. There I was, saying one of my goals cannot be fulfilled now - and WHAMMO! - any bachelors I get can land me a math adjunct position. Chalk one up for Jane Dee!

There are a few more pants wetting moments I have experienced in the last few months, but I can't share them all lest I will jinx myself. heh heh.

On a more "Real World" note, the winds of change seem to be blowing in my favor. I am foing to have to make a "To DOOOOO" list. Besides 'put new bar of soap in shower,' I may have some real tasks at hand. One of them, which I have been putting off until I was more healed and normal, was to create a profile for my former professors so they can write my recommendations. I was thinking that I would explain myself from high school foward. That way, if they get a weird request to write for some weird place, they wont be so thrown off. I'm not sure If I'd include a picture of myself, but I thought it would be a good idea since I may not see them in the near future. I guess I should do that before I venture off to be a salesman-type for intern-ish work at the hospital. They will probably want references of some kind.

Waiting for this "great" job is hard. I have been living off my savings and the kindness of friends for about a year now. I know I've said this before, but I'm down to the last few for real. I really REALLY CAN'T go to school unless I find a decent paying job soon. That is why I pray and pray for this job to come through. I mean, if it so happens that I can't go this semester, I guess I can deal with it, but I just want to get started with my new plan... sigh. The only benefit to not going this semester is all the money I will make working. I guess that's a plus...

Next time: Oops! I wet myself again!

:: Jane Dee 10:42:00 PM [+] ::
Real Men Bring Their Women Flowers and Coffee...
I felt like typing something today because I didn't go to the beach with my pal and I didn't end up riding my bike to Canarsie. What I did do was eat about 100% of the RDA of sodium in one bowl of soup. I love salt. It keeps my blood pressure up in the winter and keeps my resting membrane potential "up" in the summer. Sometimes, I do overdo it and I get bloated. Oh well. Better bloated than my legs misfiring through the night.

Im STILL waiting for that "great" job that is supposed to help me out with all that I need for school... pffft. Seems like a big time waster to me. So here is the deal. Classes start August 27 and registration is August 17 or so. I have about a month to get some hospital experience. My plan was to get some experience by offering my soul, um, er, I mean time to a local public hospital as a CNA in exchange for the opportunity to shadow doctors and nurses and have the opportunity to learn procedures like phlebotomy. The agreement would be that I get to keep my title as a CNA and I can use them as a reference to verify my CNA experience if I apply to work as a CNA somewhere else. I wonder if that will work... I have to figure out who to talk to though...

ohh I should clean my room a bit... be back later to talk about the pants wetting and all that.

:: Jane Dee 3:33:00 PM [+] ::
:: 7.19.2004 ::
Blogger gets weirder and weirder with all these features...
Anyway, the last entry was probably not the best thing to publish. Ahem. The hunger strike lasted about two hours and oddly enough, my mood has been changing (just like the blogger interface... geez this font I'm typing in is VERY annoying)
How about I lay out some non consequential news first? Okay well, I have one last wisdon tooth in my mouth that I never got out and now its annoying me. It's giving me TMJ Syndrome or something... my jaw is clicking and such. Looks like I have to endure the mouth needles. Eh. Okay next bit of stupid news is that the slow process of getting back to real school has been going... slowly. I pais the nice admissions people a visit and they almost tried to get away with losing my papers. HUMPH! Fortunately (for them haw haw) they found it all. Well, all was going "ok" until they forgot to gove me a copy of my latest transcript. Sigh. Well, because of that, I was late to the other office and now I have to wait until August to get a credit evaluation. Oh and I also have to go back to the admissions office to get that transcript. I was thinking of doing it tomorrow...
And that is where the improvement news comes in! I actually wanted to ride my bike. Hurrah! I was thinking I would ride my bike to the college tomorrow to get it because they are open. What do you think? I would take the Brooklyn Bridge and then the West Side Highway bike path. Ooh then I can stop by the library... I think I would have massive gluteal pains but hey maybe it would be cool.
My job status is still [sucks] but I remain hopeful. The only worry I have about not getting the job(s) soon is that I won't be able to register for the fall. Even if I get the job now, I can't pay the bill in full. Hopefully I can get it by the end of the month so I can at least make a downpayment through AMS. Then hopefully, as I gain independant status (hallelujah), I can apply for financial aid and actually GET IT for once (sheesh). That way, I can still pay through AMS, but have a smaller bill. Then I can take a loan from my bank or something and buy one of my cars  (lol, just kidding, it would probably be this one... for now). Using AMS in any case will help me save money to move to Arizona when that opportunity comes.
Speaking of Arizona, I have been doing ALOT of thinking (obviously) and I have come to some new conclusions concerning my future. I have some super secret plans that only a select few know about but I will lightly explain some here. I was thinking about what I really, really want and so happened to re-read my Columbia Tragedy magazines. I have always wanted to be an astronaut and so I value what a real astronaut would have to say. I wasn't reading these mags for advice, I was just bored and remembered I had them. The one thing that struck me was this weird recurring theme that all these astronauts seemed to have. They all said that they had to "think big." Now I used to think big. I used to think big when I was a younger, more idealistic person. When I was younger, I could do anything I wanted. Or, that out of the things I wanted I could do them. Life was good. I was going to be an astronaut. Yes, Jane from the borders of alternating grid neighborhoods was going to be an astronaut. Then life happened and I am currently here. The events that got me "here" are not what squashed my thinking to more earthen heights, but rather the precipitating events to the major events. So alas, I have come back to where I left off:
Home is where the mind is, and it houses many a strange thing. Including fear...
Come on now, I'm not going to bore you to death with my life story. What is more interesting are those precipitating events. Just what the hell happens to us when we make these radical (and stupid) decisions? I will admit right now that I am "here" because of a tremendous error on my part. "Here" could have came ALOT sooner if I had known. However, let's not feel bad because you know the whole 20/20 hindsight thing, even thought my hindsight would still be 20/400, ha! Now, I'm not trying to put down any particular schools, but my previous school (and quite possibly my future ones) has been not the best at fostering my hopes and dreams. In fact, by the time I graduated, I had forgotten all my hopes and dreams because they weren't happening. All I could think of was just getting a job as a professor teaching math or something. No more astronaut, no more Air Force, no more cool. Nothing looked satisfying even though I "imagined" I loved math and all that and wanted it in my life etc etc. UGH! The more I took math, the more frustrated and mad, and annoyed and FAT I became. (Come on now, I wasn't fat, I just didn't care about being active anymore). Yet I continued to believe that this is what I wanted. Yeah yeah. The saddest part is that in my head I knew that I hated almost every minute of it.
So where does fear come in? At the moment you give up what you want for a supposed "preferred" way or some other weird excuse for being scared to do what you wanted to in the first place because you can't take the constant ridicule and feelings of worthlessness anymore. It's bad enough you have outrageous dreams to begin with. Now you have to defend them all by yourself. Well, at least, that was my case. The fear starts to come when all the people that surround you have no vision. Your classmates don't care and suddenly you are nothing but another soul that will have a "B.S." degree with a BS job. Slowly but surely, your once behemoth dream will be altered and snipped until it is nothing but a manageble piece of crap. And this brings your fear down but you know just how worthless you are. Even if I was able to win the nobel prize in some Math, I would still feel like a loser. Sure I left "real school" to go back to "fake school" so I can "give up" and "...just live my life already" as if one can "live" on worthless dreams. Well, I learned you can't. Well, I know I can't.
Where I thought I was "escaping" to turned out to be a fueling ground for anger and frustration. Not only did I give up all that I wanted, I had "renewed" hope in being a small thing. I had learned to adopt the diminutive mindset that is known at schools like the one I reattended (ahem).
After leaving the nursing program, I went back to a few of my professors to ask if they would be willing to write a recommendation for me if I needed it for something. They agreed but asked me all about my decisions. I know he didn't mean it in a bad way, but even my poor professor had fallen victim to this horrible disease. I call it the "Kingsborough Quantifying Mentality Disorder" or the Kingsborough (KCC) Syndrome. And in this mindset, we have everyone happy to make their own tiny little worlds amongst each other but never venturing out of the world or to the larger world. When I had told him I let and was deciding if I wanted to come back, he said "...well, maybe diagnosing is your thing. Maybe you should check out the PA (physician assistant) program." AH-HEM! IF i wanted to DIAGNOSE I wouldn't waste my precious time going to PA school, I'd go to MEDICAL school HELLOOOO! Also on the same topic is a video of the students being asked why they are in KCC. One girl replies "I'm in the PA program" Why? "Because I want to be the one in charge!" Yes, KCC Syndrome is prevalent here.
Sadly, I fell victim to KCCS as well. I'm not saying that I hate nursing or that I would never do it or continue, but I think the best thing to do right now is to take a path that gives me the MOST options incase a bout of KCCS occurs again. That means that I had to do some serious reflecting or whatever they call it nowadays. So here it is: first of all, I am going to get all these credits I have into one place, namely, a BS (no jokes). This time, I am going to major in something I may actually ENJOY. I have decided to pick psychology. At my new school, a psychology degree will utilize ALL my seemingly worthless math and science credits into a degree. I then get to take classes like drug management and honors classes that allow you to do independent research. Well that's all I have to say about that.
After that, I was thinking I would go to Queensborough Community College to try nursing over there (they have a great campus). However after reading my magazines I said "No Jane, think BIG". I have since then changed that plan. If I decide to persue nursing after my BS, I will go directly into a BSN program in Arizona. Why should I waste time? If that goes well, I will continue as I had planned, getting my MSN in psychiatric nursing and working for the USAF.
That is the only post BS plan I will share with you. Many apologies. In the meantime, I plan to hold tight for that job... This time, I'm making my own way. I have to be creative. Then I know I will become what I want.
Next time: I think I wet myself... Anyone have a napkin? 

:: Jane Dee 8:53:00 PM [+] ::
:: 7.06.2004 ::
God is punishing me

Alas, I think I have come to the end of my hopes to achieve anything beyond nothing for myself.

The whole mission in life was to go to school. Okay, maybe I didn't take the "normal" path and go to a 4 year school and get a bachelors or whatever in the appropeiate time frame. Maybe I made a few mistakes here and there and whatever. However, now that I have found something I can believe in, found someplace I can go to get it done right this time and discovered a new path to take me to where I want to go, I am once again subjected to a twist of fate that spits me out into some oblivion, where everything is unmanageable and twisted in such a way that the only way through it is by using excessive energy that I do not have anymore.

I just can't do it anymore OK??

Nothing has gone my way ever since I left school to do nursing. I don't even know how I made it this far. I don't even know where I am anymore. I don't even think I care. All I know is that the last thing I had that could help me get out of this mess is not available to me. I don't know when it will be available and no one else knows either. Well that is just great. By the time someone knows, I will be too old to give a damn about anything. Now my only option for finacial stability is working for free to try to gain some kind of credible experience or go back to menial wage hell where you work and pay for the rest of your life. That basically leaves no room for school. Yeah, I'm living the American dream.

Im not even going to sit here and complain how people who are so useless and stupid get things they don't deserve. Or how easy some stupid and useless people have it. No, I won't because I have enough stress in my life as it is and thinking about that will only make matters worse.

Do you hear me? I give up! You win. I don't give a shit anymore. I've done all I could and enough is enough. Just leave me alone until you call me and send me to hell anyway. Until then I'm going on a hunger strike. Yeah I got free will and I'm going to use it.

:: Jane Dee 3:07:00 PM [+] ::

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