:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: The Headache Diaries (Retired) ::

:: 10.30.2008 ::

Post High School Recap

An old friend asked me "How did you wind up in Arizona?"

Well, for all you readers out there I will tell you. Originally formatted for an email, I think I will keep it this way. It sounds more personal:

So here is the story of Arizona. I am only sending this to you because you asked specifically. It's very long and complicated and its better that I not think about these things too much. Anyway,

After high school, I was going to go to pharmacy school in Philadelphia. That plan fell through because of a few things: it was expensive and my parents (given how dysfunctional they are) werent giving me any guidance. In fact, I was met with resistance (why, I dont know. I was also met with resistance when I wanted to go to the Air Force). The other reasons were that I was scared to leave home especially since they didnt allow freshmen to have cars on campus. So I asked my then boyfriend (whom I was dating for about a year and a half already) to come and take a look at the community college there so we could split and apartment (he was no genius so I wasnt expecting him to finish school). That didnt work because as I found out later, he has some serious mom issues.

So I decided to go to LIU. That was a huge mistake because that has to be the worst, ugliest, gross, etc., school ever. If it werent for the advice of my old Dewey orchestra teacher, I would have dropped out of school all together. So I finished one semester of LIU and transferred to Kingsborough. All was going well, I majored in math and graduated on time.

My next step was to figure out what I wanted to do. No Air Force, no pharmacy, now what? Well, I took a year off and went on a cross country road trip. I fell in love with the Southwest. During my year off I also worked at CVS and was a math teacher in Harlem. I had thought about being a math teacher but wasnt sure. When my year off came to an end, I thought that I would apply to ASU and get a math degree.

However, you must understand that during my years at KCC and after, I was having a heck of a time at home. My parents were making me crazy between the heart attack my mother had, to my father trying to bankrupt my mother, the legal issues, the fights, well, you get it. Not a fun time. In fact I had tried to move out many times but to no avail. I was really trying to finish school and I couldnt move out and go to school all by myself. And no one was going to help me and be my roommate.

So at that point ASU was not an option and I went to City College to try to finish the math degree. When 9/11 happened, my school turned into a place I did not want to be. To put it simply, I was not agreeing with their ideas about the current state of affairs. Then I got into a car accident and withdrew form the school. Enough is enough you know?

The car accident was not cool. I had no money left, and now I had no car to make any money. So what did I do? I tried to look into "careers" that would take a short time to learn in school and would give me at least a decent salary in the end so I can finally leave my crazy house. I was reading a book my sister had recommended about some woman who went to KCC and had ghosts in her house. He apparently was a nurse. I thought, "hey that is something I can do" and applied to the nursing program at KCC thinking Id be done in two years and have a job that can actually pay the bills.

I was pretty excited about the idea and my mother liked the idea for once. I was thinking "hey, I can actually get an advanced degree in this field, and they offer it as ASU!!" So off I went preparing to be a nurse practitioner and dreaming about the yellow thunderbird I will drive to my job in Arizona.

When I started the nurse program, I was liking it. It was pretty easy. I got As in all my classes except drawing (he was a total jerk and I wasnt about to kiss his ass). I studied my ass off. The way I took the classes was I took all the science classes first then I would take all the nursing classes after so I could concentrate on just that. So all was going well until I got to the actual nurse classes. That is when I learned that no matter what they said, this was not science. It in fact was utter nonsense.

Im not trying to make fun of nurses, but what kind of education is this? I wont go into detail given my endless blogging on the subject, but rest assured, this was not worth all the time and effort I had put into this. I was pissed off to high hell. I wanted to beat these retarded "professors" up. I withdrew from the program because I could not understand how anything they were making me do was going to help me be a good nurse. And I made sure I wrote that down on my "reasons for withdrawing" paper. Screw them, they need help.

Now I was back to square one, and very angry. I had it up to my eyeballs with school. I hated school (and dont have much good to say about it at this point either) and wanted to finish the damn degree already and get the hell out of this torture system. So I had a plan.

Now before I tell you about my plan, I need to backtrack a bit. Before I withdrew from City College, my boyfriend of four years decided to break up with me because I asked him "where do you see us in five years" and apparently he said we were different religiously and that maybe we'd be better off apart. Im not sure if this little blog is conveying the complexity of the emotions involved in that conversation but needless to say I was immensely pissed off. I was even more pissed off because this "boyfriend" of mine recently started work at Fedex and was always busy and on his days off we tried to plan stuff. What made me mad was that he would cancel at the last minute because his MOTHER needed him to do this and that. First of all, he has two other brothers and secondly, we dont see each other anymore. This wuss cant even tell his mother NO. Thats how our relationship was the whole time: Mommy first then maybe me if there was no one else who wanted his time. I deeply resented our relationship and when he wanted to break it off, I took that opportunity to date a previous professor of mine whom was very handsome and way smarter, hence more interesting.

This professor, who shall remain nameless, had been the object of my desires long before my "boyfriend" broke up with me. I like the attention he gave me. Unlike Mr Im-too-busy-being-cool-and-spending-all-my-time-in-the-stupid-KCC-radio-station who practically ignored me most of the time. I suppose my "boyfriend" knew I liked mr professor because he was pissed off when he saw me "all dressed up" as I was waiting to be picked up. Of course my "boyfriend" only saw me because he was stalking me and saying how "he made a mistake" and wanted to get back together. Uh yeah like I am going to get back together with someone who dropped me like a hot potato after being together for FOUR YEARS. Hell no. I had a hot date anyway.

Obviously, the professor thing didnt work out because he was a nut. That made me sad because he's pretty hot despite what Louisa thinks. After a period of being mad, I talked to my ex boyfriend here and there and he became a good source of spending money. The nursing program was taking me to the cleaners and I was practically starving myself to go to school. (More reason I was pissed off - I was paying too much money to let these assholes teach whatever the hell they wanted) In the meantime, I met someone new and I dated him for a little over a year.

This new guy was supposedly a lawyer but I guess I didnt have my lie radar on because this new guy was worse than my ex boyfriend. (If you need someone to pick out a guy that has MOM ISSUES, come talk to me. I seem to be an expert at picking them out.) Anyway, this guy was originally from Oklahoma and after he went spiraling out of control with what he was doing with his life, I asked him if he wanted to come with me to Arizona. He said "there was nothing there for him" (which was a joke because he ended up working at WAL-MART and trying to cheat "the system" to get into the armed forces - let me tell you, he was more screwed up than me!)

So after the Captain (inside joke, lolz) started getting on my nerves, I decided to start talking to me ex boyfriend to help me get a job at Fedex. I pestered him for about three months until finally! Hurrah! Dental coverage!

I was working at Fedex and going to school and still seeing the Captain when I finally got enough nerve to break it off. I assumed he wanted to break it off but was too scared to do so. Maybe I was wrong because he cried and did all sorts of annoying things to get me to like him again (like slide an engagement ring at me like it was a beer). However, I didnt see anything good in our future and decided not to fall for his schemes... like popping out of nowhere at 5am as I tried to drive away to work or buying me some bracelet from tiffany's.

While fending off the Captain, I became better friends with my ex and for a while, I thought things were going well and maybe we could be on the road to recovery. Nope. I, being the annoying gotta-know person I am, wanted to know if he was serious about our friendship and not just pulling my leg to leave me for his MOM again. He said we could talk about our relationship and marriage after I graduated (which was less than 6 months away). So fine, but in the meantime, I didnt want him to lie and say we were "together." Of course I constantly had to set the record straight as I felt he was getting the best of both worlds: no commitment from me yet fooling everyone into thinking Im taken so I dont get no dates. That didnt stop me! HA! I made out with someone anyway and I was not sorry.

So back to the plan, remember? Yeah I was going to tell you about what my plan was when I dropped nursing. I was pretty pissed so I had a lot of energy to help me along. I did all this research and found that City College would give me the best deal on transfer credits. Meaning they would give me the most and waive the rest of the core crap because I had the associates degree. I went to City and got their bulletin and looked up all the possible BS degrees I could get. I narrowed it down to geology, biochemistry, and psychology. After a long talk with myself, I decided that the psychology degree would be the fastest degree to get and would get me out of this nightmare. So off I went.

My first semester back, I was still seeing the Captain, and I was annoyed at how annoying he was getting. For my birthday, he gave me various flavors of potato chips, corn chips, and soda. In case you missed that, HE GAVE ME POTATO CHIPS FOR MY BIRTHDAY. HELLO?!?!? WTF KIND IF GIFT IS THAT?? Oh wait, my bad, he also gave me a box of chocolate covered biscuits. Hmm...

Breaking up with him was a long process and when it was over I was pretty happy. I could concentrate on my work and school. And now wait for stupid ex boyfriend to "talk" to me about "our relationship." This really was a nightmare.

So I graduated with honors and wondered what would happen next. All the while, that conversation about my relationship with my ex never came up. Spring came and went, summer came and went, my graduation ceremony came and went, all sorts of crap came and went, and no conversation. Hum okay. So I decided that this was not going anywhere and made plans to get out once and for all. This is where my evil genius had to come in again.

I started applying to various jobs in my company but the kick was that they were in different places in the country. When those werent working out, I learned more about the tractor trailer driver position. I thought I had a good chance if I got my CDL-A before I applied. I applied for one more position - and got an interview! - before I decided to get the license using the tuition assistance program at Fedex. I passed my test on December 26, 2006 and started to apply right away. I saw an opening in Arizona and applied without delay. My dream to go to Arizona was right there in front of me!

In the meantime, my ex was trying to get a job as a dispatcher. I encouraged him, helped him put his packet together, and even helped him get a suit together. He got an interview and was offered the position a little bit before I was offered the position in Arizona. He was concerned about me taking the position in Arizona and I told him I would think about it. I then told him to take the dispatcher position. So after he signed the form, I suddenly decided that I would take the job in Arizona. Most people I knew were sad but he threw a hissy fit and that pissed me off. Oh and by the way, there was still no conversation.

By the time I had to move, there was nothing he could do about it HA! The stupid thing was that when I came back to visit not even two months later, he decides to throw an engagement ring in my face. I said I didnt want it and that we had to end this ridiculous relationship. He was all boo-hooing and crap and I was annoyed again. There I was, years after Ive been out with this guy who had all the chances in the world and decides the best time to show me his intentions was AFTER I move 2500 miles away? Is there any sanity left in the world?

As you can see, Ive been trying to get to Arizona for a while now. And after all this time, I can see I don't want to live out my days here. It is a nice state. Phoenix is kind of lame though. The only things I can say about this place is that I at least had time to stretch my legs, maybe grow some wings, and clear my mind of all the people that got on my nerves. I am currently in a nice relationship, but we'll see how long it lasts.

As for career: Im working on it. As you can see, Im not all that eager to go back to school

:: Jane Dee 12:41:00 AM [+] ::
...

Economic Downturn!

How shitty! Normally I wouldn't care about this kind of crisis, but now it's personal. See, I was supposed to use the equity on my boyfriend's house to fund my flight education, but apparently the stupid stock market is making everything/one crazy and driving the "value" of houses down. Well, this imaginary value was supposed to help me get in the sky. I guess I can't now. So I'm annoyed. My only option left now is to wait even longer or go to normal school and get those easy-to-get government loans for "real" school subjects like history or communist studies.

@%$#&^% @$*&!!!!

My only consolation in this ridiculousness is that I had applied for a really fabulous trainer position recently and I hope (no I mean I BETTER) get an interview because I have ALL the qualifications and more. DAMMIT! I better get a nice invitation. Then I better get the job. This is the kind of job I am looking for. Well, we'll see. I THOUGHT that if I didnt get it I'd continue training for the flight stuff but I GUESS NOT. HUMPH!!

And I feel stupid because I was reluctant to tell everyone about the flight thing and now look. I won't even be able to do it anyway... HOW STUPID!

Ugh.

Well, at least Hawaii was nice. Tomorrow I will spend all day trying to finish up my webpage like I said I was going to do for the last four years.

Sigh.

:: Jane Dee 1:38:00 AM [+] ::
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